The Texans come back this Sunday night to play the Green Bay Packers on the dreaded "short work week," having just played the New York Jets on Monday night. Much like the players having to summon all of their recuperative powers to be near the top of their game on Sunday, so too must you, the weekend drinker, raise your level of play to be ready for Sunday night.
I would also suggest that pacing yourselves this particular Sunday will be of supreme importance given the 7:30 p.m. kickoff time. Load up on the barbecue and the carbs during the day so that you can overload on the barley and hops at night.
And if I'm alluding to drinking as some sort of quasi-competitive sport, then you know that can only mean one thing -- we have a BRAND NEW Battle-Drink BINGO card for all of you to put to use on Sunday night, customized to reflect the latest happenings with the Texans and to reflect their upcoming opponent, the slightly reeling 2-3 Pack.
After the rousing success of the Monday night Battle-Drink card, our plan now is to have a new card for every Texans game the remainder of the season, all the way up through the Super Bowl! (See what I did there?)
Of course, as we unveil this week's card, we encourage you to drink
as responsibly as possible and do NOT drink and drive!
As for this week's Battle-Drink card, here is an overview of the noteworthy additions and changes:
B1 - Matt Schaub two-finger "under the helmet" wipe. Got this one from my man Jeff Kollar (@kollarj on Twitter). This is one of those things that you never really notice, but once someone points it out to you you can picture it immediately. Jeff says it's good for 15 sips. That might be conservative.
B4 - Shot of a Packer fan in cheesehead If this game were in Green Bay, it would be alcohol poisoning waiting to happen. As it is, with the way Green Bay travels, it will be...well, alcohol poisoning waiting to happen anyway.
B5 - Texans run a trick play On our show yesterday on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio, John Granato and I were trying to remember the last time Gary Kubiak called a legit trick play in a game. We arrived at the Chris Brown option pass against Jacksonville in 2009 that was picked off in the end zone. Since then...well....you know how everyone has one type of hard alcohol they got sick on in college and they can't even smell it anymore without feeling nauseous? (Mine is Southern Comfort.) Well, that's Kubiak and trick plays. Trick plays make him vomit. And if he decides to run one, he will make you vomit.
I3 - Owen "DANIEL" reference I4 - Kevin "WALTERS" reference I5 - J.J. "WATTS" reference Announcers who can't get the "S or no S after a last name" thing right are truly exasperating. This one will hit at some point in the telecast. I'm betting on Tony Dungy or Rodney Harrison butchering Kevin Walter's last name.
N1 - Brett Favre mentioned If Madden were still doing these NBC games, you'd be checking on your life insurance right before kickoff because of this rule.
N5 - JJ Watt "swatts" a pass This one was in the "G1" slot on Monday, so it paid off with three shotguns. Hopefully, you all realize that we are playing under a strict honor code and you did your three shotguns. The Battle-Drink gods are watching, people! And you better keep that in mind because....
G1 - John McClain tweets "pathetic" ....guess what got moved to "G1"! Yeah, that's right, if the Texans start playing poorly, John McClain is gonna Battle-Drink you under the table! Look at the damage from the Monday night game:
Now the Texans Def is playing as bad as the offense. Glover Quin just got beat on a 27-yd TD pass from Sanchez to Jeff Cumberland. Pathetic.
— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) October 9, 2012
Texans offense is stinking it up again. Running game is pathetic. Now Schaub makes a mistake like that to keep Jets in the game.
— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) October 9, 2012
Basically, if there's a "discount double check" of any kind, y'all are gettin'fucked up!
O1 - Connor Barwin sack This is going to happen at some point. It has to. And when it does, I decided that a shot would be more appropriate. Wherefore art thou, Connor?!?
O3 - Al Michaels veiled Vegas line reference Gambling and binge drinking tend to go hand in hand, so not really all that worried that you Battle-Drinkers won't pick up on ol' Al Michaels' references to the side or total being decided at the end of the game. Michaels and Brent Musberger are the masters at giving a tip of the hat to the degenerates out there.
Projected drink intake: 93 sips, 30 gulps, 24 chugs, 7 shotguns, and 4 shots
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Predicted final score: Packers 28, Texans 27
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.