As all of you Battle-Drinkers know, the Battle-Drink Bingo Drinking Game board this season has consisted of several potential in-game events tied to (obviously) the Texans and whoever their opponent is that particular week. The pattern on the board can best be described as "organized randomness," with certain events occupying a few of the spots for a reason, but for the most part, if I thought of something, I'd throw it on whatever square was available.
We all got drunk, really drunk some games, had a few laughs, threw up and went on our merry way.
Well, now it's the playoffs, baby! Time to step our game up. I know you'll be stepping up your "drink game," so I owe it to you, as the commissioner of Battle-Drink, to step up my "commish game."
So on this week's Battle-Drink board, you will notice a few very distinct patterns that will tie your level of inebriation to the quality of the Texans' play:
1. As you all know, the first couple columns of the Battle-Drink board (the "B" and the "I" columns, for you BINGO traditionalists) are fairly tame in the assigned drinking action taken -- the "B" column is the "Sip" column, and the "I" column is the "Gulp" column. A healthy dosage of sipping and gulping will keep your buzz level in the very comfortable "somewhere between very buzzed and pleasantly slurring words."
If there were an optimal zone for drunkenness, it's typically arrived at by sipping and gulping, so therefore I've taken a handful of the casually likely and fairly innocuous events in the game (Texans and Patriots related) and made them the majority of the "B/Sip" and "I/Gulp" columns:
B1 - Matt Schaub completion B2 - Andre Johnson catch B3 - Houston Texaaaans, FIRST DOWN! B4 - J.J. Watt "swatts" a pass
I1 - Tom Brady completion I2 - Reference to Gronk's social life I3 - Gisele Bundschen sighting I4 - "Spygate" reference
Ok, so those first two columns establish our drunken "base," the foundation off of which the remainder of our inebriation shall be built on Sunday afternoon. From there, it's just a question of which path of "DRUNK" we go down at the "buzz" fork in the road -- pleasant, happy, "loves everyone" drunk (Texans win) or miserable, puking, "world about to end" drunk (Texans loss).
Column "N" doles out drinks in units of "chug," which has never really been clearly defined by me, the commissioner, but can loosely be described as "several consecutive gulps without pulling the can/bottle away from your mouth." If you chase all of the sips and gulps with some healthy chugs (as opposed to shotguns and shots) you should be very happy.
In short, chugs equals hugs.
Therefore, the "N/Chug" column is dotted with Texan celebrations:
N1 - Arian Foster namaste bow N2 - Owen Daniels touchdown celebration N3 - FREE SPACE N4 - Antonio Smith ninja move
I've saved the "G" column (shotguns!) for some potentially exotic Texan play calls, which means that Gary Kubiak will probably need to be abducted by aliens for this column to hit, but nevertheless, here are your "G/Shotgun" entries:
G1 - Texans onside kick G2 - Texans fake punt G3 - Texans run a flea flicker G4 - Texans run the "fumblerooski"
So yeah, I mentioned that other fork in the drunken road, the one where you wind up miserable and soaked in your own urine and vomit. Well, the Porsche on the Vomit Express in the world of Battle-Drink is the "O" column (SHOTS!). And as commissioner, I've ensured that if this game gets ugly, so too will your drunken state.
First, there's the "O/Shot" column dominated by the
likelihood possibility of Matt Schaub ineptitude:
O1 - Matt Schaub short 3rd down completion O2 - Matt Schaub Matt Schaub sacked O3 - Matt Schaub throws INT O4 - Matt Schaub grabs his helmet in pain
And finally, one last board element to destroy your liver and turn your head into a miserable cacophony of jackhammers and church bells. Notice how none of the columns described so far includes the "5" square? Well that's because I reserved the entire "5" row for my good friend and Houston Chronicle colleague John McClain:
B5 - John McClain tweets "Terrible" I5 - John McClain tweets "Horrible" N5 - John McClain tweets "Awful" G5 - John McClain tweets "Pathetic" O5 - John McClain tweets "Pathetic" about Schaub
I can hear your livers cringing, people.
So in short, if the Texans win the game in a relatively routine fashion, you will likely be in optimal drunken condition (lost of sips, gulps, and chugs), downright merry. If the Texans win the game with a little excitement and trickery, you'll be happy, wasted, and probably bloated (shotguns and what not), which would be fine.
If the game turns into a Schaub shit show and a Patriots win buried in a barrage of furious John McClain tweets, you will be face down in a puddle of your own bile by the fourth quarter.
That's what we call a metaphorically sound Battle-Drink board, kids.
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Drink responsibly, have a designated driver, and GO TEXANS!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.