Texas Fifth-Graders Wear Fake Mustaches in War on Drugs, Because It Totally Makes Sense

Messrs. Cheech and Chong "mustache" you to just say no.
Nothing says "non-sketchy law-abiding citizen" like a patchwork of hair descending upon your upper lip, which is why it makes perfect sense that the Texas Department of State Health Services has asked more than 1,000 fifth-graders to slap on fake 'staches for an antidrug campaign.

This puzzling endeavor is part of "Red Ribbon Rally Thursday," which we understand was originally scheduled as "Dumbass Exercise in Futility Wednesday." The punch line is that the lip-brush means "I mustache you not to do drugs."

KVUE reports that "afterward, the students will head to a legislative session of sorts in which they'll debate and vote on bills about substance abuse." (Since probably a good three-fifths of these kids have never experienced the grave inconvenience of selling plasma in order to smoke a rock out of a broken car antenna, we don't understand how they could possibly make an educated vote. But we digress.)

The awesome thing about this whole project is that, after today, we will have waged a super-successful campaign in the war on drugs. The next stage will involve pointy chin-bears, so children can tell their inebriated peers to "goatee hell." Beard you didn't see that one comin'!

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >