Texas native Jack Worthington is sure of at least one thing: He’s John F. Kennedy’s love-child.

Worthington, who lives in Canada, says he’s not seeking money from the Kennedy family, but chose to go public after Vanity Fair had reportedly considered running a story on Worthington. (After the magazine reportedly spoke with Sen. Ted Kennedy, the piece was killed, Mary Jo Kopechne-style.)

While Worthington awaits DNA testing to prove his claim, some folks are investigating other alleged aspects of his family’s that possibly mirror Kennedy characteristics, including:

- a penchant for football-on-skis

- a profound love of convertibles

- prefrontal lobotomies for family members with “mood swings”

- piloting planes upside-down

- banging underage baby-sitters

- being acquitted of rape

The Press will continue to stay on this extremely important story. Or not. – Craig Malisow