W vs. Rudy? That's no help

Texas Rangers vs Yankees: Who The Hell Can You Root For?

The American League Championship Series, also known as the Reminder That Some Texas MLB Teams Are Still Playing, continues on.

We've tried, but we can't figure out who to root for in this thing. We know who to root against -- the Rangers, and the Yankees -- but that seems to be an unsatisfactory way to watch.

Let's try and examine this scientifically in a five-step method.

5. The Yankees have Lance Berkman; the Rangers have Nolan Ryan.
You know what? Lance Berkman isn't always on our radio with an impenetrable drawl ordering us to get some aluminum siding or beef or get our foundation fixed, all because "it's the right call" or "it's a grand slam!" or "it's a sacrifice bunt" or whatever. We're officially over Nolan.
Advantage: Yankees

4. The Yankees are the most famous team in sports; the Rangers still need "Texas" in front of them.
Otherwise three-quarters of New Yorkers think you're talking about the hockey team. And half the people in the Lone Star state think you're talking about the law enforcement agency.
Advantage: Yankees

3. The Yankees play in New York; the (Texas) Rangers play in Arlington.
The Bronx has its rough spots, to be sure. But have you ever been to Arlington? If there's a there there, it's very well-hidden. And when it's someone from Houston saying that, well, that's saying something.
Advantage: Yankees

2. 9/11 Exploiters cheering for them: Rangers, George W. Bush; Yanks, Rudy Giuliani
Let's just say seeing shots of either of these guys in the expensive seats doesn't make you want to root for their team. On the one hand, Rudy didn't invade a country that had nothing to do with 9/11; on the other hand, it's only because he didn't get the chance.
Advantage: Even

1. Percentage of Cowboy fans rooting for the respective teams: Rangers high, Yanks low
Possibly 99.9 percent of Texas Ranger fans are also Cowboy fans, and most likely spend their time at Ranger games using their Blackberries to check out Cowboy news and message boards. The percentage of Cowboy fans among Yankee followers is simply a function of both groups having some commonality as loud-mouthed a-holes. But it's still way, way lower than the Rangers' percentage.
Advantage: Yankees

Shit, we give up. Even science can't help.

There's no way to root for either of these teams.

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