That's One Ugly Baby: The 10 Creepiest Babies Ever

We've been seeing pregnant bellies all over H-Town. From The Woodlands down to Lake Jackson, it seems every other woman we see is either in the family way or accompanied by a doting father lugging around a car seat right not too far behind. What gives?

One conspiracy theory is that these are all "Ike" babies, borne of the power outages and curfews that were the norm in these parts back in September and October. Another is that babies are awesome and cute and smell good. And another more likely theory is that we all need in-house lawn services from someone who will call us "asshole" under their breath and steal beer from the fridge somewhere down the line.

We scoured the Interweb for the best, well...okay, really the creepiest babies we could get our cursors on for your enjoyment. Think of this as the Houston Press' own free advertisement for safe-sex.

Trainspotting Baby

This is Dawn, the baby from the 1996 drug-comedy Trainspotting, pictured here during Renton's cold turkey fever dream. You crazy junkies! You can't sell the Baby Bjorn for smack!

Baby's Day Out

Baby Bink was the protagonist in the film Baby's Day Out, about three bumbling kidnappers trying to kidnap him to bilk his socialite family of millions. Somewhere, Bruno Hauptman is rolling in his grave.

Baby Geniuses

What's with folks wanting babies to be more than just peepee and poopoo factories? The tots in Baby Geniuses were supposed to be super-intellectual types created by the government. It wasn't star Christopher Lloyd's finest hour; that was Camp Nowhere.


This little charmer is from Eraserhead, a light-hearted David Lynch vehicle about a man whose girlfriend leaves him to raise their child alone. Kind of like Three Men And Baby minus two men and extra WTF sauce on the side.

The Hangover

Stoned onanistic babies are the best thing since sliced bread, for real. This little guy is from this summer's blockbuster buddy picture The Hangover. Never has a baby looked so utterly baked. We would be happy, too, if Heather Graham was our mom.

Honey, I Blew Up The Kid

To us, the kid in this 1992 sequel to the Disney hit Honey, I Shrunk The Kids wasn't so much a gigantic mutated baby, but a deep and biting metaphor for the American economy, or something like that. At least that's what Alex Jones said one time.

Little Man

Homegrown terrorism was alive and well in this 2006 "comedy" Little Man. It's about a dwarf criminal who poses as a baby to steal a jewel. The government should erect a moment to the men and women who went a saw this at the movie theatre upon its release.

Mean Baby

The origins of Mean Baby are muddled. He/She (not that it's a hermaphrodite or anything, we just don't know what sex it is) appeared on the scene in the past few years on message boards and crass forwarded e-mails the world over.

Verne Troyer

Ouch! Sorry Verne-Troyer-Wearing-A-Teddy-Bear-Costume-And-Eating-A-Tub-Of- Honey, our bad.



And your day is ruined. Try getting this out of your head...

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty