Not our office, you understand. We have terrific, totally un-annoying co-workers. You guys out there, though, you gotta lot a problems, as Frank Costanza would say.
We asked you what some of your suppressed cubicle rage-inducers were, and there were plenty. Of course, when asked "What do your co-workers do that's annoying?" if you answer "Does 'existing' count?" it's probably not a fixable problem.
Nevertheless, here are 10 things you or your co-workers are doing that piss off your co-workers or you:
10. Eating too loudly
Or, as one put it, "Chomping on her gum like a fucking heifer."
If it's not gum-smacking, it's crunching chips or slurping coffee. People: No one wants to hear you eating.
You're on the phone; someone in the office needs to talk to you. Tip to waiting need-to-talker: The universal sign for "call me when you're done" is just like the universal sign for "give me a call." It involves a thumb, a pinky and your ear. You then return to your designated space and await the call, without entertaining yourself by listening to your co-worker on the phone.
8. Talking about your wonderful, fantastic, not-at-all average kids
At any stage of your kid's development -- first steps, an A on a class assignment, success on the soccer field -- remember this: It's been done. It is terrific for you, it can be totally new to you and that's great, but other people in the history of the universe have had kids too.
7. Flirting on the phone
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR "BABYTALK" FLIRTING. Really, this cannot be emphasized enough. Although if you are somehow the type of person who can do that in public and not be utterly embarrassed, you're likely a lost cause. And if there is another human being within 10 feet of you, no matter if there is a cubicle between you two or not, you are in public.
6. Endless throat-clearing
We realize you don't have a chalkboard handy to run your fingernails down and are simply trying the next most annoying option, but you cannot hold your co-workers responsible if they "suddenly" erupt into a staple-hurling rage after the 1,492nd throat-clear of the day.
We realize your taste in music is far, far cooler and more ironically hip than all the other losers on your cube farm, but that doesn't mean you have to blast it so everyone can be blessed by your generous sharing of it. And it certainly doesn't mean you can sing along "to yourself."
4. Eat lunches that have the pungency of a Mumbai spice market
Great, you don't consume food loudly. That's appreciated. If, however, you make up for a lack of noise by substituting overpowering smell, well, that's just air pollution instead of noise pollution.
3. Engage in endless discussions about a) reality shows, or b) fantasy football
E-mail was invented for a reason, people. And that reason was to avoid work by communicating about non-essential stuff while still keeping your co-workers sane.
2. If you at any time have been told you have a unique laugh or giggle, DO NOT EVER BE AMUSED BY ANYTHING
That giggle might have seemed charming to someone in a bar one night, but six months of it can be a very, very dangerous thing.
1. And then there's this
We'll just quote one of the people who responded: "Coming back from lunch wearing someone else's perfume."