Holidays coming up, gotta keep off the pounds, yadda, yadda, yadda. If you're headed to the gym, be prepared to deal with these very highly annoying people.
10. The Grunter He's lifting weights. Big, heavy, manly weights. In case you aren't studying him closely enough, he will grunt like he's giving birth just to attract attention.
9. The person who assumes you'll enjoy sitting in a pool of their sweat What could all these strange, white, terry-cloth, absorbent, small sheet-type things stacked neatly around the gym be for? I must look into it one of these days. Meanwhile, sorry about that puddle but come on -- you probably dig it.
8. The person with absolutely no sense of space Test: If there are, say, ten open ellipticals, and a person using one at the end of the row, which one should you use? If you answered "the one nearest that other person," you failed the test. And are probably failing at life as well.
7. Old guys who spend way too much time naked in the locker room As Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000 once put it in a reminiscence of his gym-going youth:
The men's locker room at the JCC was notorious for its old, naked Jewish men. These old men would roam the locker room, their wrinkly asses reflecting the ultraviolet light from the bulbs above as their testicles demonstrated the true forces of Earth's gravity.
We're not sure who these guys are trying to impress, but they're not succeeding in they way they hope. We're told a variant of this phenomenon takes place in women's locker rooms but, you know, naked women, what's not to like?
6. A co-worker. While you're both naked Awkward.
5. The telephone talker Hey, he or she has to work out, you know, but that doesn't mean the VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT phone call about where he or she plans to watch on TV later has to be delayed. In fact, the rest of the folks at the gym will probably get a bit of a lift getting this glimpse into such a glamorous, busy life.
4. Guys wearing unitards or some other type of tight-fitting garment You may be telling yourself "No, I don't look like Borat; all the women are checking out my package." You will be deceiving yourself.
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3. The loud headphones person When you have the best taste in music, it's acceptable to blast the headphones so the person next to you can't help but hear. BUT: You do not have the best taste in music. Trust us. And don't start singing, whatever you do.
2. The Fox News blaster Maybe you feel that all the insight, the cutting-edge humor and devastatingly sharp commentary of Fox & Friends gets lost if you have to read subtitles instead of hearing Steve Doocy's voice. It's a sacrifice you need to make, for the sake of everyone else around you.
1. The equipment-hogging guy Like some grandma protecting a row of nickel slots in Vegas, this guy's radar goes off if anyone even considers using the machine before his sets are done. If you somehow slide in while he's busy checking out the babes he believes are checking him out, he will hover over you, expressing disdain and impatience in increasingly frantic style, ready to jump into action the second you've finished.
But yes, even then you have to wipe off the equipment. In fact, take all the time in the world doing it.