The 11 Most Annoying Religious Bumper Stickers You See in Texas

Religious philosophy: You can discuss it using eloquent and challenging rhetoric in an academic speech, or you can put it on a bumper sticker.

Here in Texas, most people seem to opt for the bumper sticker. If you're spending any time on the road, you're going to be subjected to someone's spiritual views because what else are car bumpers for?

Here are 11 of the most annoying:

11. If we had to bet, we'd wager the driver of a car sporting this belongs to a church which believes anyone who hasn't accepted Jesus (i.e., Jews) suffers eternal damnation in the tortures of hell.

10. Sorry, we can't see this without envisioning Jesus posing for one of those money-shot milk ads, and it's not a pretty sight.

9. We think this comes in the standard package for all Saabs.

8. You're pretty damn confident that you've followed every single one of the many, many, many laws, rules and guidelines in the Bible, aren't you? Anyway, if the rapture does come, could you pull over so you won't be blocking my lane?

7. Ya hear me, God? YOU DO AS I SAY OR I WILL KICK YOUR MOTHER-EFFING ASS. No exceptions, dammit!

6. Jesus apparently is an undisciplined toddler in His "terrible two's" who is so likely to distract the driver that other people on the road must be warned. Or, using the alternative explanation for those "Baby on Board" stickers, you, the guy reading it, will drive even more carefully so as not to injure the baby, or Jesus. As opposed to pulling up next to the car at 60 mph and signaling Jesus to roll down the window so you can ask Him a favor, which is what we sure as hell would do. At least get an autograph -- do you know what you'd get for that on eBay?

5. Ah yes, the Jesus Fish. With Greek letters, to show what a scholar you are. Guess what? You're in America now. Speak English. We're sure you probably think everyone else should.

4. Actually, she could have been pro-choice and had me, you know. If only to bring one more satanic pro-choice person into the world.

3. Not only do you say "Merry Christmas," you put a bumper sticker on your car announcing it. We assume you're just waiting for delivery on your new purchase, a second sticker that says "We Put On Bumper Stickers Saying We Say Merry Christmas."

2. Jesus loves random, blaring noises that distract other drivers and cause accidents.

1. And those angels have Smith & Wessons under those robes.

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Richard Connelly
Contact: Richard Connelly