The 5 Most B.S. Rebuttals in Internet Arguments

Lately, my colleagues here on the Houston Press blogs have posted some kind, helpful tips on proper usage of social media to help you avoid pitfalls in a world where employers regularly look you up.

That was sweet of them because I work with good people full of love and huggles (hugs + snuggles) for their fellow man. However, I am not one of those people. I'm an ass, and I have honed being an ass like Batman has honed himself to be the avatar of vengeance and the night incarnate.

Don't worry, I'm an ass for justice...a justass if you will, and while my costume may suck, my mission is pure. I find idiocy and bigotry on the Internet and I treat it exactly as I would treat meeting a zombie. The difference is that instead of caving in their skulls with a PS1 controller, I do it with words. Lately I even get paid to do it, like when 2nd-Amendment fanatics canonize George Washington or when people overstate the frugality of Harry Truman. Nothing shuts down an argument like having someone hand you a check for telling another person that they're wrong.

Still, I can't convince the editors that every tirade is worth some scratch, but I keep on in my mission anyway. Over the years I've come across some truly sad attempts to fight by people who just couldn't muster a real comeback. If you find yourself uttering any of the following, please do everyone and yourself a favor and admit you lost.

5. "I'm Just Trying to Push Buttons"

Used by: Attention seekers, racists, sexists, all other ists, phobes, etc.

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Jef Rouner is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner