The 7 Basic WWE Metaphors For Real Life Situations (w/ video)

I'm working on my 2009-2010 NBA Preview which should be done by tomorrow. I hope that some of you will cut me slack given that a whopping three games will be in the books by the time it gets posted here on Hair Balls, including the Rockets opener against the Lakers as well as the first Miami-Boston clash of the season.

Unless Yao Ming breaks a foot (somewhat likely) or LeDwyane Bosh tears a hamstring (also somewhat likely given the star crossed preseason the Heat experienced), I'm not really prognosticating with any material advantage over all of the other "talking head" people out there like me (you know, radio people who act like we know what we're talking about).

In the meantime, as my luxurious vacation in Naperville rolls on amidst a Chicago wind storm (seriously, after having been through Hurricane Ike, watching this city -- the WINDY CITY -- freak out about WIND half of Ike's speed is pretty funny. Wussies.), I thought I'd do a brief post educating some of you on analogies that are woven constantly into my posts, specifically professional wrestling analogies.

This comes up on the heels of my embedding the "LeBron turns heel/New World Order" YouTube video into a post for roughly the twentieth time since The Decision. Well, for those wondering, I continuously embed it because (a) it's awesome and (b) despite the disdain that many folks have for professional wrestling, you have to admit that the simple storylines of good versus evil in the genre make for very clear, real life analogies.

Violence is a common language we all speak and secretly love. Going back to the days of Moe, Larry and Curly, there's something perversely entertaining and clarifying about solving issues with a chair to the head or a poke in the eyes.

So when it comes time for us to process life's little curveballs, be it a sports star taking his talents elsewhere, a breakup in a relationship, or our need to thumb our nose at authority, chances are professional wrestling has given us a moment that relates.

So with that said, here is my primer for seven key life situations, and in fact because it's the opening night in the NBA, I'll give specific NBA situations that each video aligns with (bonus!)...


VIDEO CLIP: Hulk Hogan turns heel for the first time in over 15 years, stabbing all of his longtime fans in the back and aligning himself with a couple of other renegades, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, forming the New World Order


As documented previously, this situation is so similar to LeBron teaming up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh that the video was remade by some creative soul who (thankfully) had a lot of time on his hands...


VIDEO CLIP: Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty had been tag-team partners for years as The Rockers, but the time had come where Michaels' ego became too big to be part of a team, so he sent the message to Jannetty that he no longer required his services by introducing his cranium to a plate glass window.

REAL LIFE NBA SITUATION: Best one I can think of is Kobe sending Shaq through the plate glass window after the 2004 postseason and wanting to branch out on his own, spread his wings...you know, like Shawn Michaels.


VIDEO CLIP: During the summer of 1997, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's star was on the rise as an anti-establishment babyface with WWE owner Vince McMahon as his stodgy, corporate foil. The whole summer built up to the money shot -- Austin giving McMahon a "Stone Cold Stunner."

REAL LIFE NBA SITUATION: Pretty much every time Mark Cuban opens his mouth as a direct affront to David Stern.


VIDEO CLIP: Vince McMahon dropping the hammer on a slew of different WWE employees in classic McMahon bully fashion. Not much else to explain here.

REAL LIFE NBA SITUATION: The last four NBA Coaches of the Year (prior to 2010 winner Scott Brooks), all of whom were fired within two seasons of being named the best at what they do.


VIDEO CLIP: For years back in the heyday of the `80's, Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan were bitter enemies, surpassed only by Larusso-Lawrence, Balboa-Drago, and Larry Lester's buns-duct tape....until one day when the conniving Honky Tonk Man and his evil cronies The Hart Foundation were about to send a musical message (euphemism for "guitar to the dome") to the Macho Man and, in one of the few cases where a woman was actually a unifying force between two men, the Lovely Miss Elizabeth (R.I.P.) convinced the Hulkster to come to the aid of his longtime foil. The result was the formation of the Mega-Powers, a tag team tour de force that would predictably and inevitably be undone by the aforementioned piece of ass.


Ron Artest and Kobe Bryant joining forces to win an NBA title in 2010. Can't wait for the eventual blow up....


VIDEO CLIP: Mick Foley being thrown off the top of a 20-foot high steel cage at Hell in the Cell 1998, to this day still the most fucked up thing I've ever seen on a WWE broadcast and that's saying something.

REAL LIFE MOMENT: Derrick Rose dunking on Goran Dragic, Larry Bird going off for 60 on Atlanta (Hawks players high-fiving on the bench), Michael Jordan switching hands in mid-air in 1991 NBA Finals versus Lakers, the Malice at the Palace.


VIDEO CLIP: For months leading up to Survivor Series 1990, the WWF had a large egg at its television tapings and each time the egg was on camera, the announcers would tease that the egg would be hatched on Thanksgiving Night at Survivor Series. The implication was that the contents inside the egg would rock the very foundation of the WWF to its core. Well, as someone who was in the building that night (Hartford Civic Center, bitches!), it didn't. Not even close. Observe....

REAL LIFE MOMENT: Darko Milicic. Michael Olowokandi. Kwame Brown. Adam Morrison. Go ahead and fill in your own in the comments section....

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCcablinasian.

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