Twitter is faced with a looming problem these days. As it grows in popularity (and in users), Twitter backlash has grown alongside it. Non-Twitter users don't understand the social opportunities associated with using Twitter and how Twitterers can quickly become part of networks that were never previously available to them (or that they simply never knew of before). They don't fully understand the technology behind Twitter -- that is, that you don't just view a public timeline, but only the Tweets of those whom you follow. And -- perhaps -- most importantly, they don't seem to understand why people would feel the need to publicly broadcast their every move, feeling, meal, emotion, bowel movement, etc.
And the fault for that last issue lies squarely with Twitter users themselves, specifically the annoying Twitterers that make Twitter look bad for the rest of us. You know the ones. These people are ruining Twitter and deserve to be called on it. Unfollow them. Block them if need be. But send them a message: Get a goddamned diary or get off Twitter.
The following are the seven most annoying Twitter users you'll come across online. The Tweets are real; the names have been left off to protect the users (but you know how to find them, don't you?).
1. The Morrissey: "Just woke up feeling totally depressed! I hate that I had to wake up to this terrible world, yet again! Ugh this sucks :(" Yes. Poor, poor, pitiful you. That's what we all want to see first thing in the morning when we log into Twitter; how incapable you are of functioning without medication. It's one thing if you're a normally upbeat person who's having a tough day, or even a tough week. But when your entire Twitter stream is nothing but hourly updates on how miserably depressed you are, do us all a favor: Visit a fucking shrink. Even better? Get that lithium prescription refilled.
2. The Romeo and Juliet: This couple may have met on Twitter, or they may have met the normal way -- through Match.com. Either way, both of their Twitter streams are poorly-written odes to one another that make you want to dry heave every time you see a Tweet pop up in your stream. They maniacally butcher grammar and capitalization in pursuit of love: "love you so much!!!! Omg, ur the sweetest and the most amazing guy ever. Twugs! THX 4 all u do! U mk me so happy!" Hey -- suggestion time, folks! -- use e-mail like a normal person. Or even a phone. Or a text message. Anything but Twitter.
3. The Attention Whore: Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! "Wearing a lowcut shirt with my boobs and tats hanging out..eyebrow piercing bright and silver...hell yeah..party is ON" If you feel that a person's entire Twitter stream is the inane ramblings of an emotionally-stunted, possibly herpes-ridden, overgrown six-year-old, it's probably time to unfollow them. After all, attention is their oxygen, and an attention whore will eventually starve to death without it -- hopefully transforming them into functional human beings in the process, just like a phoenix rising from dirty, whorish ashes.
4. The Promoter: "Live in the Houston area? I will be hosting a free Wealth Building Seminar September 12th-13th, visit _____ for more info!" It's sometimes difficult to tell these people from spambots, although the "real" people are easy to identify primarily through their Twitter bios, which often contain made-up feel-goodery terms like like "social media guru" and "Chief Inspiration Officer." They very rarely interact with anyone on a meaningful level unless it's to further promote themselves or their business. You don't have conversations with telemarketers on the phone, so why would you let these leeches invade your Twitter stream? Block.
5. The Shameless Hussy: It's one thing to gossip with your girlfriends over drinks or trade stories with the guys over beers and basketball, but leave that shit out of your Twitter stream, please. No one needs to know about the eight orgasms you had last night, which skank ho at the club sucked you off in a bathroom, or the insanely kinky sex you had with your Dom. "I love Elvita. I totally want to be some drug dealer's coke slut. All the clothes and cocaine..." Look, we have to act normal around you at the next Tweetup, so cut that nasty shit out before we can't even look at you without snickering.
6. The TMIer: Whether it's the bowel movement they just had, the fight with their mom that sent them over the edge, or the funny way their cat licks their toes, these people simply reveal entirely too much about their lives. Not only is it creepy, it's downright boring. No one cares. Worse are the TMI Tweets that do more than just bore, they induce nausea: "Not that I have a heavy period at all! I just change that shyt like EVERY time I think about bleeding putta my hole. UGH!" Ugh, indeed.
7. The Number One Fan: These people lurk in every corner of the Internet, having spent years administering Journey fan forums or writing Red Dwarf fan fic. So it's not surprising they've also ended up on Twitter with rants like this: "JOE, omg. Why you are so perfect? I love you very much, you are so special in my life. I can't wait for see you and the Nick and Kevin again" or this Tweet, repeated ten times in a row: "PAAARIS PAAARIS LOVE U SO MUCH! REPLY ME? OMG PLEEZE. BRAZIL LOVES U!!! YOU ARE THE BEEEST! PLEASE REPLY ME?" Solution? Block them. You can be damn sure that's what the celebs are doing.
Who did we miss? Let us know in the comments section below.
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