Most of you have probably been paying attention to the Houston Texans, what with them actually making the playoffs for the first time in team history. But there are other professional sports teams in this city, and one of those teams made some front-office moves last week, moves that will hopefully move them into the later stages of the 20th century.
New Astros wonder boy genius/general manager
Josh Jeff Luhnow made a couple of hires, adding Sig Mejdal and Stephanie Wilka to his front office team. Mejdal has been handed the title of Director of Decision Sciences while Wilka, whose baseball experience is in PR and philanthropy, is the Coordinator of Amateur Scouting -- not to scare anyone, but Ed Wade's career started off in baseball public relations, and we all know how he turned out.
As Director of Decision Sciences, Mejdal's job will be finding a way to apply a systematic method to combining all of the information collected on all players and making decisions about those players. Yeah, it sounds like one of those nonsense titles a person gets instead of a raise, and it sounds like one of those jobs that any U.S. President gives to one of his buddies who is not quite competent enough to do something important, like being a cabinet secretary.
The Astros are in awful shape, so the Astros have a lot of positions to be filled. Some important, some that involve keeping the Department of Justice from coming down once again on the ass of Jim Crane. We checked around with our imaginary sources, and we discovered some of the positions the Astros are still trying to fill at the moment.
6. Coordinator of Kissing the Ass of Visiting Fans Turning Minute Maid Park into Fenway South for a series against the Boston Red Sox last season was so easy that even Pam Gardner could handle it. But seeing as how the Astros are so damn bad, the only way fans are going to come to games is if they're there to see the visiting team. So Coordinator of Kissing the Ass of Visiting Fans will be responsible for locating fans of the Miami Marlins, Pittsburgh Pirates, Washington Nationals, San Diego Padres, etc., then getting them into the ballpark.
The coordinator will also hunt down all songs associated with all visiting teams and will make sure these songs get played time and time again during the game. The coordinator will also make sure that trivia questions associated with each visiting team are put up on the Big Ass Video board between innings.
5. Coordinator of Double Switches Any person who has watched the Astros the past several years knows that Brad Mills likes to make his double switches. But keeping track off all the changes can get rather confusing, especially with every player's nickname sounding the same.
The Coordinator of Double Switches, formerly known as the bench coach, will keep Mills informed of which player is actually playing which position at which time, and who is still available to either pinch hit or go take some food out to Carlos Lee.
4. Director of Creating Interesting Nicknames It seems that every Astros nickname ends by sticking a "y" or a "sie" on the end of someone's last name. The person given this job will be charged with creating some actual nicknames that, hopefully, actually sound like some thought was put into the process. 3. Director of Mobility Carlos Lee's not exactly the most mobile of players. And while mobility's not exactly required when playing first base, he still has to move around a bit to make the occasional play. So the Director of Mobility will be the guy operating the forklift Lee's standing on and which moves him into position to make plays at first base if the infielders actually have throws to make to him.
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2. Director of Broadcast Booth Coordination This job is rather simple. The Director of Broadcast Booth Coordination has just one job, keeping Milo Hamilton away from the microphone.
1. Coordinator of Uniform Costuming Decisions Director The person hired for this job is charged with getting some new uniforms for the Astros. Hopefully something that gets away from the boring, ugly-ass look the Astros have been wearing for the past decade-plus and returns the team to the classic look of the late-'60s and early '70s.