I dedicate this song to my friend Frank, who gave me the idea. And I do so with all apologies to Paul McCartney and the rest of the band.
"Rocket Raccoon" (sung to the tune of "Rocky Raccoon")
Now somewhere in the bright shining rays of Florida There visited the pitcher Rocket Clemens And one night this woman ran around into his bar Hit our Rocket in the balls Rocket really liked that He said I’m gonna win this young lady So one night he walked into town Found himself a table in that local saloon.
Then Rocket Clemens, took her to his room Only to find Gideon’s Bible Rocket had come equipped with a boner To shoot between the legs of his lady The young lady it seems had captured his dreams By becoming the girl of his fancy. Her name was McCready, and she called herself Mindy But everyone knew her as jailbait Now Mindy you see was still only fifteen But was there on the bed in his room now Rocket broke down stopped grinning his grin He said Mindy gal this sex it can’t go down But Mindy was hot, drew her legs apart And Rocket collapsed on the floor now.
Now Brian McNamee came in with Jose Canseco And proceeded to pull Rocket away He said Rocket she’s underage And Rocket said, but Mac, she looks of ripe age But it’ll be better it’ll be better Mac as soon as she’s legal.
Now Rocket Clemens he fell back in his room Only to find Gideon’s Bible A Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt To help with good Rocket’s revival.
-- John Royal
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.