This past Sunday evening, after a quiet dinner at home, Arkansas head football coach Bobby Petrino decided to unwind by taking a leisurely ride on his motorcycle. Leisure nearly turned to tragedy as Petrino crashed the motorcycle in a story that, at the time, had a shelf life of about 15 minutes, mainly because the coach survived the crash with merely some cuts, nicks, bruises and broken bones (despite the wishes of the greater Atlanta and Louisville metropolitan areas).
Petrino was riding the bike without a helmet, which, as it turned out, wound up being only the second dumbest thing he was doing while cruising around on his crotch rocket. What follows is a chronological breakdown of the latest episode of Petrino scumbaggery and college football head coach hubris.
This is the "Definitive Anthology of Bobby Petrino's Affair with That Hot Volleyball Player":
VIDEO: Bobby Petrino Addresses the Media About His Motorcycle Accident The Monday after the accident, a scuffed-up, neck brace-adorned Petrino strolled into the media room at the Arkansas facilities and spent ten minutes answering questions about the crash:
It all seems fairly simple, right? Petrino crashed his bike, which frankly could happen to anybody. He managed to survive despite NOT wearing a helmet, which frankly I thought could only happen to Les Miles. He's in some pain now, but he plans to coach the team in some capacity through spring practice. However, we will soon learn that the money-shot quote from the press conference was this:
Head Coach Bobby Petrino (on how he got from the site of the accident to the hospital) -- "Well, when I came out of the ditch there was a lady there that had flagged down a car. The guy that was in the passenger's seat said, 'Get in, we'll just take you right to the hospital instead of waiting,' and so I got in the car and they headed towards Fayetteville. In the meantime, on my cell phone I had a call from Lance King, so we set up a place to meet, and then he brought me to the hospital. The first call I made was to Doctor Arnold, to tell him I needed to get to the emergency room. He was actually in Fort Smith, but made all the arrangements for my arrival."
LINK: Deadspin: The Police Report From Bobby Petrino's Motorcycle Crash As we are inclined to do, especially in this day and age when the information is available with a few simple keystrokes, the media immediately went digging for the police report on the crash, mainly because (a) we have a morbid curiosity, bordering on voyeurism, when it comes to stuff like this, and (b) there's roughly a 97 percent chance Bobby Petrino is lying anytime he opens his mouth.
Sure enough, the police report outs Petrino:
ACCIDENT SITUATION: OPERATOR PETRINO (V-1) WAS TRAVELING WEST ON HIS MOTORCYLE IN THE WESTBOUND LANE OF ARKANSAS STATE HIGHWAY 16 WITH PASSENGER DORRELL RIDING ON THE BACK. FOR AN UNKNOWN REASON, V-1 (PETRINO) TRAVELED ACROSS THE WESTBOUND FOG LINE AS HE WAS APPLYING THE BRAKES.
Wait, wait, wait...whoa, whoa, whoa...Passenger Dorrell? Yes, that would be 25-year-old former Arkansas volleyball player Jessica Dorrell, who within the last two weeks was handed a job as some sort of student-athlete development muckety-muck in Petrino's football program. Here is what you need to know about Dorrell: She's young, she's hot and she's not Petrino's wife, which means she seemingly hits all of the hot buttons on Petrino's personal checklist.
Oh yeah, and she's ENGAGED. More on this in a minute.
So from a certain point of view, I mean, I guess technically Petrino was being truthful at his post-crash presser. When he came out of the ditch, there was a lady there. He just happened to leave out the minor details about her being half his age and the shared hobby they have of boinking each other in their spare time.
(SIDEBAR: Two very underrated parts of the police report, both in Petrino's handwritten version of what happened. First, Petrino spells the word "tried" with a "Y" -- "TRYED." Petrino is frequently referred to as a "genius" within football circles. If that's the case, I shudder to think how the coaches of mere average intellect would spell the word "tried." Perhaps Petrino should understand his limitations and, not unlike delegating the coaching on the defensive side of the ball, hire a good spelling coordinator. Second, how about the haphazard use of exclamation points at the end of this portion of the report: "...I was lying in a wood pile!!!!" The end of that paragraph is screaming for an "LOL!!!!" or a "ROTFLMAO!!!")
LINK: Jessica Dorrell and Josh Morgan's Wedding Blog As I mentioned, Jessica Dorrell is engaged to be married. The
poor sap's lucky groom's name is Josh Morgan, and he is also employed by the Arkansas athletics department in the capacity of something called a director of swimming and diving operations (or as I like to call it, "a job that pays about the same amount in an entire year as Bobby Petrino will make in the first half of the 2012 season opener").
Like many young couples in love, Jessica and Josh want to brag to the world about their eternal happiness and their giddiness over spending every waking moment together from now through eternity. And in 2012, not only can you brag to all of your assuredly indifferent friends about your upcoming nuptials incessantly in person and on the phone, you can also do so via blog!
Unfortunately, after an onslaught of Internet trolls turned the Comments section of Jessica's and Josh's blog into a night at the Improv, Dorrell and/or Morgan shut their "We're soooooo excited to be getting married!" blog down. Fortunately, as I'm told by one of my listeners, Brian in Blacksburg, the Internet is (figuratively) "written in ink," and thankfully someone saved most of the really funny comments in a message board forum. Below are 19 of my favorite comments:
WHORE from: Becky Petrino 4/5/2012 5:51:52 PM
Give him head and the body will die from: Gregg Williams 4/5/2012 5:51:11 PM
Bobby, make sure you get all her clothes/dresses...and remember, you were just giving her a ride to a charity event for legless children. from: Bill Clinton 4/5/2012 5:50:53 PM
Hey Josh- No problem on the tux returns. FYI, even our rental tuxes are less worn than your fiance. from: Men's Wearhouse 4/5/2012 5:50:52 PM When I said you should eat a lot of little debbie's, this is NOT what I meant! Calm the f--k down!!! from: Nick Saban 4/5/2012 5:44:17 PM
It's ok, Bobby's wife has cancer. from: John Edwards 4/5/2012 5:44:08 PM
Bobby, did she get a taste of the grass? from: Les Miles 4/5/2012 5:42:02 PM
fduksl jkldfsas kljfsfdodasin dkfasdfljdfdddfhh djfkdfljs!! from: Morris Claiborne 4/5/2012 5:41:51 PM
At least your month is going better than mine. from: Whitney Houston 4/5/2012 5:29:26 PM
I just don't have the heart to read any more of these comments. from: Mark Dantonio 4/5/2012 5:28:27 PM
d--n it Bobby!! from: Hank Hill 4/5/2012 5:27:51 PM
I don't mean to be rude, but Rick Pitino had the best affair of ALL TIME! from: Kanye West 4/5/2012 5:24:30 PM
Josh... you are NOT the father. from: Maury Povich 4/5/2012 5:22:25 PM
Im still excited from: Tim Tebow 4/5/2012 5:05:52 PM
Now that's how you run the wild hog! from: Darren McFadden 4/5/2012 5:02:48 PM
Hey, Jessica... I wanna kiss you. from: Joe Namath 4/5/2012 5:01:24 PM
Did you get that pic I sent? Text me back!! from: Brett Favre 4/5/2012 4:57:34 PM
Could be worse. from: Jerry Sandusky 4/5/2012 4:57:11 PM
Trust me cheating on your wife will turn out bad...... from: Steve McNair 4/5/2012 4:54:05 PM
And then there were these comments that were posted to the blog before the shit hit the fan. And yes, the fact that Dorrell's and Morgan's friends call the two of them "Joshicca" (BARF!) almost makes me wish that Petrino took videos of his various trysts with her on his iPhone, uploaded them to YouPorn and e-mailed the links to all of Joshicca's friends and family.
Hi Jessica and Josh. I didn't know about this website and just saw it. How neat ! Congrats and we cannot wait to be there and share in your special day and happy moments. Aunt Nanny & John from: Jean Ann & John Troup 10/16/2011 6:06:55 PM
Love me some Joshicca! Great couple and great people! from: Todd 10/16/2011 5:31:09 PM
Jessica and Josh, thank you for sharing your happiness. I can't wait for the big day when our family grows bigger. Love Gran from: Jean Dorrell 9/19/2011 9:57:29 AM
This is great! I'm happy for you both! Love Love Love Michelle from: Michelle Mullenix 7/7/2011 4:44:00 PM
Thanks for sharing the pics and plans !! We are so excited and can't wait. Love Daddy & Pam from: James & Pam Dorrell 6/24/2011 2:54:40 PM
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. We already have it saved to our favorites. Great pics! We are so happy Josh is joining the family. Love to you both. Love, Mom from: Polly & Randy Johnson 6/20/2011 9:20:57 PM
LINK: Jessica Dorrell's Wedding Registry So how do you help make the pain go away? Well, how about buying the
happy couple a gift! Check out their registry. Admittedly, it's been a long time since I helped fill one of these out, and even when I did help, I barely gave a rat's ass, but does it seem like they've signed up for a TON of shit? And with the amount of kitchen items on this list, one of them better be a gourmet chef or basically all you're doing by buying them a gift is helping them stockpile items for their first garage sale as a couple in 2017.
LINK: Busted Coverage: Photoshopped Engagement Pictures of Bobby Petrino and Jessica Dorrell Words can't describe how awesome these are. Click, view, laugh!
LINK: Chris Vernon sings "The Ballad Of Bobby Petrino" It wouldn't be a scandal in the SEC if my man Chris Vernon (talented Memphis and Sirius/XM talk show host) didn't weigh in via song. Click, enjoy, sing along!
LINK: OutkickTheCoverage.com: Clay Travis lays out the possibility of Arkansas firing Petrino So where do we go from here? Petrino has been placed on paid administrative leave by the university while they evaluate their options, which are basically a) fire Petrino and go 6-6 every season or b) keep Petrino and extend their long-term deal with Satan. The point to remember here: Petrino's future employment will not be judged by the quality of husband he is (thankfully, for him), but instead by how truthful he was with his employer and how far outside the hiring practices lines he colored when it came to hiring Dorrell for her position within the football program. Clay Travis does his typical excellent job of laying out the relevant points.
So, now that I've spoon-fed you all of the necessary links and video to get up to speed on Petrino's affair, how about some bonus video? Let's go back in time to 2007. Petrino, fresh off resigning from the Atlanta Falcons via yellow sticky note, is introduced to a fawning Arkansas media contingent. This press conference is chock full of delicious irony and double entendre:
VIDEO: Bobby Petrino's Introductory Press Conference, December 2007
Here's the list of ironic quotes from the press conference:
Chancellor John A. White: "Coach (Bobby Petrino) this is just the tip of the iceberg. You haven't seen anything yet."
Arkansas Athletics Director Jeff Long: "[We] wanted someone who had exhibited a strong commitment to discipline and accountability with their student-athletes, a coach that stressed the fundamental responsibility of student-athletes to achieve at the highest levels, academically and athletically, while maintaining exemplary citizenship."
Long: "Today's announcement is a culmination of a comprehensive search process, which was intended to identify a leader for our football program and would serve our student-athletes and fans with class and dignity."
Bobby Petrino: " I can tell you one of the most attractive things about coming to the University of Arkansas is the fan base."
Petrino: "First of all, offensively, we want to be very aggressive. What I like to do first is establish the fact that everybody expects to score every single time they take the field on offense. That is the expectation."
And, finally, a bonus video from a current Louisville coach and noted extramarital sexer in his own right, the 15-Second Man himself, Rick Pitino!
VIDEO: Rick Pitino Weighs In On Petrino Leaving The Falcons Embedding for this video is disabled, but trust me when I say that it's worth clicking the link and going to YouTube to view it for a couple reasons:
1. We get to relive the Rick Pitino "I got screwed over by ping pong balls in the 1997 draft lottery" lament, complete with the incredibly astute observation that if you don't have good players in the NBA, then your life as a coach is miserable. Basically, he said coaches in the NBA don't mean dick.
2. The ironic quote to end all ironic quotes:
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and [Petrino] always had a wandering eye."
Less than two years after Pitino's thoughts on Petrino's wanderlust, it would be revealed that Pitino himself conducted an affair with a Louisville woman by the name of Karen Cypher that will best be remembered for a) taking place on the table in a Louisville restaurant, b) Pitino's Mike Damone-like lack of sexual "endurance" and c) Pitino's paying $3,000 for Cypher to have an abortion.
Pot, thy name is Pitino. Kettle says to get his name out 'cho mouth!
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See five license plates Petrino's bike should have been using.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.