The Five Real Reasons Spider-Man 4 Won't Happen

I imagine most of you are aware of the sad news by now, but just in case you hadn't heard, Spider-Man 4 isn't happening:

A few days after script issues pushed it off the May 2011 calendar, Columbia Pictures and Marvel Studios announced today that Spider-Man 4 ain't gonna happen at all, and that the franchise will eventually reboot featuring Peter Parker as a teenager. Meaning original principals Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, as well as Spider-Man 1-3 director Sam Raimi, are out.

"We're very excited about the creative possibilities that come from returning to Peter's roots and we look forward to working once again with Marvel Studios, [producers] Avi Arad and Laura Ziskin on this new beginning," said Sony Pictures cochair Amy Pascal.

Spidey joins the distinguished line of comic properties (like Batman, Superman, the Punisher) that will undergo reboots after a relatively short span of time following the originals.

The official story points to "script issues," but I think other factors were at play. As a public service, I felt I should put them out there for the greater good.

5. Spidey Didn't Have Any Decent Villains Left

Spider-Man has a pretty extensive rogue's gallery, but the first three movies exhausted most of the top tier (Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, Venom, Sandman). I admit, the Lizard (AKA Dr. Curt Connors, played by Dylan Baker in 2 and 3) would be cool to see, but who else is left? The Vulture (an old guy who can fly)? Mysterio (ex-stuntman with a globe for a head)? Carnage (annoying Venom ripoff)? Shit, just use Morbius the Living Vampire and snag those sweet Twilight fan dollars.

4. No More Decent Roles for Stan Lee

After playing "Man in Fair," "Man Dodging Debris," and "Man in Times Square," they've obviously exhausted The Man's acting capabilities.

3. The Simmering Adultery Scandal

In news that mirrors the recent development in Tiger Woods' life, Peter Parker has been romantically linked not only to Gwen Stacy, but also Betty Brant, Felicia "Black Cat" Hardy, Jessica "Spider Woman" Drew, Jean Grey, and Angelina Jolie.

2. Kirsten Dunst's Teeth Reaching Point of No Return

The actor who plays Mary Jane has always been defiant about her uneven toofuses, but executives at Sony have access to highly advanced computer software that make it apparent future movies with Dunst as the romantic lead would be near impossible:

Dunst in 2006:

Dunst in 2012 (projected):  

1. Cinematic Perfection Has Already Been Achieved

Let's face it, Sam Raimi may have the Evil Dead movies under his belt already, but he'll never again reach the directorial heights he scaled with Emo Peter Parker.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar