The French Soccer Team: Five Movies That Would Have Ended Differently With Les Bleus In Them

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

France is in an uproar over their soccer team, which has not only sucked to an incredible degree in the World Cup but which has also gone on strike -- IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORLD CUP -- because their feelings were hurt.

Why did they strike? One of the players criticized the coach a little too much and was sent home. Zut-a-fucking-lors.

We applaud Les Bleus' unique method of achieving success. We can imagine how well it would work in other settings.

1. Star Wars: A New Hope
At the briefing to discuss the stolen plans for the Death Star, Wedge Antilles immediately objects to using a bunch of one-man fighters to slip through Darth Vader's defenses. "Where is ze glory in zat?" he storms. "I must go in alone, in a very big, slow ship, and never get close to reaching our goal. Zat is French glory!"

The rest of the rebel force agrees with him, goes on strike, and the Death Star is completed. Bad things ensue.

2. Armegeddon
AJ (Ben Affleck's character) doesn't like the set-up when he gets to the asteroid, arguing that aesthetically it would be more pleasing if the drill was shaped like the Eiffel Tower. Hard-bitten Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis) gives him a glare that would kill at 1,000 yards, ferociously throws his cigar down -- and then pauses. "You know, you're right," he says. The asteroid hits earth, destroying civilization as we know it, not to mention a halfway completed Eiffel Tower drilling rig.

3. Saving Private Ryan
A weathered group of cynical French vets has a mission: save one lone private, who's fighting somewhere along the front lines. They decide they'd rather not.

4. Love, Actually
The Prime Minister, instead of being charmed by the children's Christmas pageant, ridicules it as being "existentially flawed" and that anything short of sheer nihilism is a waste of the theater. He stomps off to find some Guitanes and "goddamn edible food." Simultaneously, Liam Neeson's character convinces his kid that getting your ass kicked by love is not worth the effort.

5. Toy Story
Trapped in the house of the evil boy Sid, Buzz Lightyear sees a TV ad that finally, sadly convinces him he is a toy. "C'est vrai," he sighs, pulling a black turtleneck over his spacesuit. Woody and the mutant toys don't give up, however, telling Buzz that the joy he can bring to children will last forever. Buzz tells them to fuck off.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.