In the annals of epic combat, the likes of Montgomery vs. Rommel and Grant vs. Lee will pale next to the scorched earth warfare taking place between comedian Jerry Seinfeld and "Bad Romance" chanteuse Lady Gaga:
Seinfeld was linked to Lady Gaga on June 10, when the singer was escorted to his empty luxury box at Citi Field without his permission after she was caught on camera in the stands at a New York Mets game giving the finger to photographers and fans. "This woman is a jerk. I hate her," Seinfeld joked. "I can't believe they put her in my box, which I paid for ... You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we're living in now? It's pathetic. And why is she giving the finger? How old is the finger? How'd it even get to be the finger? Somewhere along the line somebody decided this is the bad finger."
Yes, the world has certainly gone down the toilet since those more nuanced days when a TV network could air an episode that was essentially a series of euphemisms for masturbation. And I don't think you need to look any further for proof that Larry David was the brains behind that show than those last four sentences.
This isn't the only baseball related scandal Lady Gaga has been embroiled in recently, having been chastised by Yankees GM Brian Cashman for crashing the clubhouse after a loss. The Seinfeld angle is more gratifying for locals, however. Because as any Houstonian will tell you, the Mets are the most loathsome of all New York franchises.
Seinfeld is a big fan of the team. Such a big fan, in fact, that he apparently doesn't feel the need to actually attend games. Maybe you or I would have preferred if some anonymous schmuck was upgraded to the luxury box in question instead of Her Ladyship, but that's up to Citi Field. And frankly, a team looking to keep media attention focused on them during their impressive recent NL East run would be better served giving Ms. Dirty Bird access instead of Frank Rizzo.
I'll get back to the publicity angle in a second. In the meantime, Seinfeld continued his run of comedic genius:
Later in the interview, it was pointed out that Lady Gaga created a stir by inviting herself into the New York Yankees' clubhouse last Friday night. "Oh please," Seinfeld said. "Wake me when it's over. Get an act. Rhinestone bikinis and giving people the finger."
Admonishing LG to "get an act" is actually pretty sound advice. She could even borrow Seinfeld's. I understand he hasn't done anything new with it in ten years.
Ratings for The Marriage Ref must be down, because the only time Seinfeld ever deigns to make an unscripted public appearance is when he's either promoting his latest crappy movie, defending his wife's cookbook, or talking up his aforementioned reality show. Benefits of a ridiculously lucrative syndication deal, I guess.
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But even more ridiculous is this feigned outrage at her behavior. Someone flipped the bird at a professional sporting event? Quickly, fetch my smelling salts and a dram of the stoutest nerve tonic. I'm not sure which is worse; Seinfeld's uncanny Andy Rooney impression or the fact that the best his keenly honed comedic mind could come up with as an insult was to call LG a "jerk."
And if there was any doubt that this whole imbroglio was a massive publicity stunt, the Mets recently "commemorated" Lady Gaga's recent antics by giving away foam fingers to encourage Mets fans to vote third baseman David Wright into the All-Star Game:
In an effort to take advantage of Lady Gaga baseball mania, the New York Mets have handed out 20,000 No. 1 foam fingers to commemorate Gaga's one finger salutes earlier in the month at Citi Field. The foam finger raised is the index, not middle, and it salutes David Wright.
Pansies. You can get foam middle fingers, you know.