Face it, major league baseball isn't exactly lighting Houston on fire these days.
Still, the weather's getting warmer, and that means it's baseball time whether you like it or not.
So if the on-field action at Minute Maid doesn't keep your attention, keep yourself amused by considering the filthy terms used on the diamond.
Like these nine:
9. Backdoor slider Cineastes still debate which of the series was better, Backdoor Slider 9: Slippery When Lubed or Backdoor Slider 26: Rearin' to Go.
(Note: Astroglide not affiliated with the Houston Astros.)
8. Golden Sombrero A hat-centric spinoff of the classic golden shower, this involves letting pee pool in the curved rim of the sombrero and then -- well, you don't wanna know.
7. Checked swing When your swingers party serves kolaches.
6. Spitball What you get during a slobbering, sloppy blow job. Remember to towel off those testicles, fellas!
5. Day/Night doubleheader Things are always better when you include a bit of this:
Going back for more after the sun sets is even better.4. DP
It may be a double play to you, but it's "double penetration" on the porn-movie call sheet.
3. Scoring position The maneuver you make just as the roofie kicks in, if you're the kind of guy who would use a phrase like "scoring position" when talking to your brosephs.
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2. Rubber Face it, if the term can be added to the word "fetish," it's dirty. And bingo, here's rubberfetish.com.
1. Switch-hitter We have no idea how this could be deemed a sexual term, but there's probably something out there.