It's September 9, 2009, a date which has absolutely no significance to anyone except those celebrating Shane Battier's 31st birthday and people who regularly say things like, "Well of course you're having communication issues; you have retrograde Saturn in your 5th house." Today also marks the release of the movie 9 which promises to delve deeper into the world of post-apocalyptic rag dolls than any film before.
We at Hair Balls have never been ones to ignore pointless calendar shenanigans, however, so even if you're not able to get out to the theater today (where you could check out a double feature of 9 and alien apartheid parable District 9), you can remain trendy by renting some of the following nine-inspired flicks.
Nine to Five -- (1980)
Dabney Coleman is a hell of an actor if he can almost make us believe he found the idea of sex with Dolly Parton distasteful. I remember seeing this movie in College Station as a kid when it came out and -- not being up on my Viet Cong sympathizers at the age of 11 -- having to ask my dad why everyone was booing the lady playing Judy.
The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat -- (1974)
This Ralph Bakshi/Robert Crumb-less sequel to the 1972 cult classic original wants to say a lot about the problems America faced in the early 1970s, but gets bogged down more often than not by excessive crudity (surprising, I know). Once you've shown a cat smoking pot, fighting cops, and having sex with a crow, you've kind of exhausted the creative possibilities.
The Whole Nine Yards -- (2000)
Few actors suffered more at the hands of the September 11 hijackers than Matthew Perry. Thanks to his lengthy run on the series Friends, audiences had come to view him as inextricably connected to New York City, and seeing him on the big screen only served as a painful reminder of the loss of the World Trade Center. His leading-man scripts drying up, he returned to television, taking on the secondary roles that more and more became the only parts available to him. His career is now is in disarray, yet another unfortunate by-product of that terrible day in 2001.
Okay, maybe not. It seemed more polite than just saying, "Man, Matthew Perry really sucks."
Nine Months -- (1995)
You probably weren't aware of this, but childbirth is pretty painful. No really, and we know this because every movie that deals even tangentially with pregnancy has to feature the same scene of the Woman In Labor screeching profanities at everyone around her. This one was no exception.
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9 1/2 Weeks -- (1986)
Even though there's already been a sequel (Another 9 1/2 Weeks, which probably should've been called 19 Weeks come to think of it) and a prequel (The First 9 1/2 Weeks), I possess enough morbid curiosity to want to revisit these characters in the present. Would they jump right back into smearing foodstuffs on each other, or would they content themselves with exchanging plastic surgery anecdotes and slagging their former spouses?