Roger Clemens claims he's not coming back to major league baseball this season. I don't think anybody really believes Clemens when he says he's not coming back to the majors, otherwise this whole thing doesn't make sense.
If he's not coming back, then why else go through the motions of getting back into pitching shape? Why put on a uniform and go back on the mound at 50 years of age and try to throw a fastball? Pitching's not an easy thing for young guys to do, and it can't be easy for a guy who hasn't pitched since 2007 to pull off.
So we've done some thinking, and here are some reasons we think he's making this comeback attempt that will end with him pitching for the Astros at the end of this season.
15. He wants to share his vast pitching knowledge with those youngsters Jason Lane, Tim Redding and Scott Kazmir.
14. He knows the Houston Chronicle is having circulation problems. So he figures that everybody's fascinated with the life of Roger Clemens, and he knows the Chronicle will print whatever he wants them to print, so he gets some great publicity while helping the Chronicle increase its circulation.
13. The pinstripes of the Astros uniform are slimming and he figures this will make it look like he's lost a lot of weight and is in really great shape.
12. He's hoping that someone will give him another Hummer if he makes it back to the majors.
11. This way, Paul Simon doesn't have to write a song with the lyric "where have you gone, Roger Clemens, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you" because, if Clemens keeps coming back, he can never disappear, which means a nation won't be asking where he's gone.
10. He's sick of ESPN's Tim Tebow obsession, so he figured his comeback would shift ESPN's obsession focus from Tebow onto himself.
9. If Andy Pettitte can come back, then damn it, Roger Clemens can come back.
8. This is part of Rocket's continuing quest to keep his kid Koby employed in baseball. Rocket convinced the Astros to draft Koby instead of going after somebody with talent, and now that Koby's season buried in the Blue Jays minor league system is finished, he's coming back to Sugar Land to catch his dad. 7. It's been too long since he threw at someone's head, so he's hoping that someone will hit a home run off of him so he can nail the guy in the head the next time he comes up to bat.
6. Have you seen the Astros this season? Clemens figures he's doing the people of the Houston metropolitan area a favor by distracting them from the train wreck occurring inside of Minute Maid Park.
5. He's got no choice but to return and make it back to the majors because Rusty Hardin is refusing to take autographed baseballs in return for paying off his legal bill. So Clemens is really hoping he can get Jim Crane to give him a few million bucks for that purpose.
4. He's just really sick and tired of hanging around with Debbie.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
3. He just really misses the feeling of having Icy Hot rubbed all over his testicles before he goes out to pitch.
2. Roger Clemens goes on the Hall of Fame ballot this off-season. And his odds of getting elected are pretty poor. However, if he comes back and pitches for the Astros or some other major league team this season, then that clock gets reset and he's off the ballot for five more years. That's five years for the Hall of Fame voters to get over the vapors they get when a suspected PED user's name appears on the ballot.
1. Technically, Clemens said he probably wouldn't be able to pitch in the majors this season. That doesn't rule out pitching for the Astros since the Astros probably couldn't qualify as an AA team at this point.