2011 is barely out of the oven and I'm already filled with dread. Could it be the fact I've spent the entire year so far coughing up chunks of green lung tissue? That I've finally despaired of ever finding a writing gig that doesn't involve "Lady Gaga sex tape" Google alerts? Or that we never got to say a proper farewell to Simon Cowell?
Or is it that I know it's as inevitable as a Philadelphia Eagles collapse in the playoffs that the coming year will once again bring a slew of terrible movies. Sure, they'll gross hundreds of millions of dollars thanks to people convinced they need to spend $14 a ticket to watch a robot turn into a car in 3-D IMAX, but in the meantime you're the one who just spent good beer money for a 90-minute lobotomy.
Will there be a few niblets of quality scattered among the cinematic offal? Probably. But that's not what I'm here for. Having reviewed movies for...several years, I have a keen ability to separate the bad movies from the good. Call it a "sixth sense," though more like ESP and not at all like that Bruce Willis movie I totally saw the twist to ten minutes into, but which my wife will claim I didn't get until we were walking out to the parking lot.
Here then are your preemptive worst movies of 2011. You're welcome.