The Texans Fan Brawl at Reliant, Zaprudered & Starring Bedazzled Jorts

It's been a tough couple of weeks at Reliant Stadium.

Not on the field -- in that case, the Texans are doing okay. But off the field, a fan has died after falling from an escalator, and now video has emerged of a brawl in the stands during the 49ers game.

It's not that much of a brawl -- Yankee Stadium calls this a beer break -- but for Reliant, it's somewhat unusual.

KPRC first broadcast the cell-phone video; Reliant officials told the station the situation was handled appropriately.

Let's examine. Our video presentation centers on a woman we'll refer to as Bedazzled Jorts. Let's Zapruder this thing, with apologies to our resident Zapruder-er Sean Pendergast:

0:06 -- There's our girl, with the red shirt and the bedazzled jorts. Trying to keep the peace, she senses trouble brewing and puts up a calming hand on the chest of one of the putative combatants, urging him to consider common sense and dignity over the brutality of physical violence.

0:15 -- The discussion apparently includes a face caress which doesn't quite get the reaction she might have been looking for, unless she was looking for her caress to be slapped away. You can never tell.

0:18 -- World's Most Ineffective Usher Ever urges calm from about ten feet away by raising his hand and saying something that looks like it might be "Hey now...." His red usher's jacket, to be fair, conveys all the air of authority of one of those canary-yellow Pro Football Hall of Fame jackets.

0:36 -- More talking from Bedazzled Jorts; it seems like she might be making some headway towards a detente when IT'S GO TIME!!

USC Guy heads up the stands to get him some, and Bedazzled Jorts realizes this is no time for calm discussion. A friend who maybe has seen how these things go tries to hold her back, to no avail.

0:42 -- The all-time classic leg lift.

How best to get some leverage on this thing? Throw the leg up. Perfectly executed, if ineffective.

0:43 -- Back for seconds: Tossed off from the first assault, Bedazzled dives back in for more, fists whaling away like you'd see with any good peace ambassador trying to impose good will.

0:55 -- Possible USC Guy plumber's crack. (See Things Probably Best Left Unseen.)

1:08 -- We'd be pissed and spoiling for a fight, too, if we had these crummy seats for an exhibition game.

1:29 -- Her work here is done.

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Richard Connelly
Contact: Richard Connelly