We went to the Texas Renaissance Festival in Plantersville this weekend to attend our cousin's wedding, and wouldn't you know we brought a camera along to document through our drunkenly narrow and judging eyes all the WTF-ery walking amongst the trees. Secretly we wish we could also don a pair of tights and play the lute whilst sitting against a turkey-leg stand, because -- sweet Lord -- those chicks west of Conroe love shoving their boobies skyward. Sadly we have gone full-nerd for much less.
Below are the top 20 freaks you'll meet at Ren Fest, in handy picture form.
The last time we saw someone blowing glass this well, we...OK, we tried to come up with a pun about someone fellating composer Phillip Glass but we sort of gassed out. So just imagine someone blowing him in a bathroom stall or something.
Every man's nightmare is some burly long-haired guy who shaves his entire body getting his picture taken with their girlfriend. The trick is to also be a burly long-haired guy who shaves his entire body so no one will make you jealous.
"So, yeah. Um. What do us nerds talk about while this guy takes a pic of us? That kid's family that said he was in that balloon are some batshit loonballs. Is this guy done snapping this thing? He looks like he's going to say some cruel shit about us, you can just tell."
The "Show Me the Way" rocker took time out of his busy touring schedule in 1976 to get in a time machine and greet people as they walked up to the ticket office at the Ren Fest. He's really excited about the new material he is working on. He hopes that it is twice as successful as the new Frampton Comes Alive release.
We always joke about live action role players, but when we saw that some of those rubber swords were easily a Franklin a piece, we backed off. That's some dedication to acting out events from a video game that we can get behind.
What does this guy do the rest of the year? What do wizards eat? Are there wizard grocery stores full of beard wax and spices? Is there wizard-centric pornography with naked dudes like him wearing their hats on their junk and casting spells on babysitters and fitness instructors. Back off, we just copyrighted that, sucka! www.wizardsluts.com
It has boobs, so it's a chick -- we think. But then again we grew up with a pretty sweet pair of pubescent fat boy jugs so we are confused. Either way, it didn't mind us snapping a picture, nor did it cut our head off.
We were on four beers and three hours of sleep when we saw this fox-man walking around talking to kids. His mouth moved pretty realistically. At least as realistic as a man in fox costume can be, we guess.
This is our cousin Kasey getting married to her fiancée Nic in a courtyard at the festival. During the service a few random Japanese dudes would peer into the service and take pictures like Japarazzi.
When we saw these cats in Star Wars gear, we ran towards them for safety. Because there's no way on Earth that Star Wars isn't just as creepy as people who dress up like elves and sorcerers. Not one bit.
We like our faeries all tiny and cute like Tinkerbell, not with lower-jaw fangs and turtle carcasses on their outfits, thank you very much. This one ran after us and demanded her soul be given back to her out of our camera. Nice try. Daniel Johnston tried the same thing at ACL too.
This guy simultaneously played like 20 bells and made us shit our pants twice. Good god, never make your kids watch Phantom Of The Paradise after you feed them spicy Cajun rice and beef jerky. Dad, you still rock though.
We haven't had a woman on a wet ledge call us an impotent bald queen with a dickbroom in a long time.
This guy, along with the Wench, would hurl insults at anyone who came near him. We got off with just being called "Captain San Francisco". Maybe it was because we wore our assless naval officer's costume, or the fact we made out with that burly long-haired guy who shaves his entire body for thirty minutes in front of his booth.
If there's one thing we love about the Ren Fest, it's that you can walk away from anything you want, just like magic.
Yep, a really long sword. You know what they say about guys with long swords: they usually have to get someone with a truck to drive it back home after the festival is over.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
Look, ninja, everything doesn't have to have horns! We saw a beer vendor with horns! We saw a baby with horns! We saw a pair of horns wearing horns! Yes, we are also wearing horns right now.
This dude was shooting people with what looked like earplugs. That or they were buttplugs for Chihuahuas. You are more than welcome for that mental image.
We recognized these folks from the www.wizardwifeswapping.com site way too well.
The whole festival is full of moments like this, where you want to snap a picture but you just don't because you will miss seeing someone or something else way more insane.