The Tunnel Mole's Got A Lotta Problems With You People

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(With a tip of the hat to a law blog written unofficially by a

Harris County District Attorney’s Office

employee. You know who you are.)

Thank God for the abundance of natural gas (no joke; it fuels 70% of Texas) to keep the tunnel air-conditioned so nicely, or you’d see more incidents of tunnel violence, to be sure. Here are only a few of the tunnelites who push Tunnel Mole’s buttons. You DON’T know who you are, or you’d clean up your act pronto:

10) You’re standing in line at McDonald’s, and you’re texting like mad, and a long line forms behind you, but you’re not going anywhere ‘cos you’re just waiting for the order YOU ALREADY GAVE. Move over to the sidelines, Einstein! How many times have I missed my sausage biscuit for you? Do you know how crushing it is to step up to the cashier at 10:32 am, two minutes past the cutoff time for those toasty, greasy nuggets, to be told they stopped serving at 10:30? Let me assure you that this is the only time you’ll get to lead ANY group of people, you line-misleading, clueless texters. I warn everyone to stay away from Mickey D’s anytime between 10:20 and 10:40 – I’m loaded for bear. I mean, sure, I could step across the hallway to Alonti’s – their sausage, biscuits and delish gravy are to die for. But sometimes, you have only $1.08. And the extra time required for Alonti’s? Fugeddaboutit. Not for the line, for the extra hour on the elliptical required by their gravy alone.

9) The amblers. You’re in a tunnel that’s the equivalent of the Autobahn (old-school Autobahn, not the wimpy one they want to turn it into), and you’re walking only 10 mph? What bug flew up your arthritic ass??

8) That said, the ubiquitous amblers have an annoying opposite, the reckless speedaholics. These maniacs not only speedwalk but also fling their arms out as though they were training for the Tunnel Olympics and they've been told the arms cut wind resistance. Or maybe they dash in front of someone making a leisurely entrance onto an elevator. You know, they throw a little surprise into the mix. Not advised, in a system sans traffic signals.

7) The posses. If I see you at airports, I like to surreptitiously stick a little taped message to your backs. Something like: “A day without a bomb is like a day without sunshine” or “Ask me about my terrorist grandson!” Whatever makes you people think you can take up the road, three- and four- and five-abreadth, boggles my mind. What is so friggin’ important that you’ve got to take up 85% of public tunnel bandwidth just so you can – if the impulse seizes you – hold hands and sing “Kum Ba Yah” or whatever you happy, snuggly, clueless folks do. I’ve got to get to Milwaukee by sundown and you’re not getting in my way. Check your back.

6) The lack of movie theaters. What gives? How else are we loners without posses supposed to spend our lunch hours?

5) The fornicators. I may be loaded for bear, but I wouldn’t kill a moose. (Maybe a Moosehead.) So those of you packin’ heat but not birth control, take the surface streets, all right? I’ll just bet many of you are not married to each other, and -- perhaps it’s the vantage point of my advanced state of age --some of you appear to be in your teens. I don’t care what role models you’re getting on the political front, keep it in your pants! We don’t need to hear about or witness your private lives. And what’s your would-be bastard kid gonna think in 12 years, when he/she reads your old Facebook page and learn you never wanted kids?! Keep the tunnel fornication-free, thank you very much. We’ve got economic considerations to think about, like why so many tunnel businesses go under, and do we really want to support a very expensive campaign to “liberate” tunnels in other lands?

4) Whomever/whatever it was that caused Crumbly Cogwheels to close. It’s been years, but we know people who still pine for their chocolate cheesecake. And the tortilla or cheese broccoli soups! Think of the generations who never got to savor that. What’s up with them? I hear they started a catering service, so maybe I can go work as a servant for some rich folks and convince them to hire them. Any other ideas how to resurrect a tunnel classic? Any recipes? Anyone? Anyone? Whomever sends the correct “scoop” first gets a bone-fide reward. E-mail me at tunnelmole@gmail.com.

3) The penny-pinchers. The skinny lady buying one health bar from one establishment, and taking six minutes to dig through her entire bag to find the requisite pennies for the transaction, had me desiring to snap one of her bones already made fragile by anorexia. So we’re supposed to applaud she’s decided to take in some solid food for once, instead of spraying a little salad dressing spritz on her tongue for lunch? The high-quality jewelry on her makes us suspect she had some big bills in her bag. Go ahead, leave a tip to the counter schmuck if for some reason he won’t give you change. You’ll still have enough scratch to drive your SUV to the polls.

2) Which reminds me, and maybe this is the previous person’s issue, the tunnel food establishments that won’t take credit cards for anything under $5. Who’s got $5 to spend on food, after buying the gas to get downtown? And parking’s gone up; who knows why….

1) We don’t carry cash, partly because of the robbers out there. Caveat: We’ve only been robbed/burgled on surface streets and in our home (and by the last eight years of the Bush Administration, of course), but we almost relish getting held up in the tunnel, just to see if others would form a posse and trap the suspect. We’re betting not. People only posse (see above) to talk about how Murchison is on a tear again, or Smithers’ raises will only be 1% this year. Oh, I wish I had a posse to talk about how one of the richest investment banks in the world is going around to vendors to ask for a discount because of the “current economic environment” that they no doubt helped create!! Posse applicants, anyone? I know a great place in the tunnel where all 157 of us could hold hands and shoot the shit.

-- The Tunnel Mole

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