The Turkeys are Coming! The Turkeys are Coming!

The Turkey of the Year is coming. You cannot run. You cannot hide. You can, however, guess who will be wearing the feathers this year. Lord knows there's no shortage of choices.

Our technicians in the Super-Secret Underground Turkey Calculator Bunker & Ice Cream Shoppe had another difficult year of sorting through the muck to come up with the candidates who crystallized exactly what it means to be a Turkey. It's an exercise as old as time itself. You see, we're just the latest carriers of the Turkey-Torch; the idea did not originate with us. Archeologists have found early Turkeys of the Year crudely inscribed on cave walls in Europe, although these pre-historic gobblers are more accurately described as Wooly Turkeys.

The earliest of these renderings, inscribed by Cro-Magnons, depict a hirsute cave man named Oog trying to roll a stone square as if it were a wheel.

Theologians among us are also keenly aware of Turkeys who appear in the Bible, including Derrdurrus of Antioch, described in First Corinthians as having "Feathers dry as the sands of Sinai, perched upon six heads, each with the forked tongue of the serpent, and, lo, a plague of odors to fell the walls of Jericho."

The Turkey is more pervasive than even we realized, as thousands of pages of recently de-classified U.S. Department of Justice papers indicate. In the 1960s, the FBI even dispatched undercover agents to act as Turkey sympathizers and infiltrate the radical Turkey Underground movement as part of it's COINTEL program. Heady times, those were.

So as you can see, Turkeys have always walked -- err, wobbled -- among us, and they aren't going anywhere soon. So brace yourself as the 2012 Turkeys swoop down upon us on Wednesday.

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