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The Ultimate Menu For Your Texas-Alabama Viewing Party

The BCS Championship is tonight. Have you made all your viewing-party plans?

Any good viewing party needs a menu that supports the local team. If you're a fan of good college football, it's understandable that you might not be too familiar with the University of Texas Longhorns.

Not to worry!! We've got a five-course menu tied to All Things Longhorn.

1. Some John Mackovic wine for openers.
Relive those golden days of getting beat in Austin 66-3 by a wussy team like UCLA by elegantly sipping some delicate vintages carefully chosen by noted wine connoisseur John Mackovic, who made the `90s a glorious time to hate the Horns. Perfectly fitting in with the image of nouveau riche "classiness" of well-off suburban UT alums, Mackovic eschewed the CFS & BBQ whooping of lesser Horn followers. He also eschewed the type of successful records UT had come to expect. Apparently he didn't trust the Champagne choices he knew he'd have to endure.

2. Hors d'oeurves? Try a little "Meat on the Hoof."
Sure, you could just call your franks-in-a-blanket "Meat on the Hoof," in honor of the classic insider's look at UT football in the 1960s, when they could award all the scholarships they wanted to and run off anyone who didn't make the grade. Trouble is, in honor of that era, the hors d'oeurves would have to be all white meat, since UT didn't get around to having any "dark meat" on the varsity roster until the 1970s. So, in keeping with the classy Mackovic mode for the moment, make your hors d'oeurves choice some vol-au-vent. To which John Mackovic would probably say "But that's chicken. And chicken don't have hooves." Screw it, John. It's white meat. Leave the aggie stuff to the Aggies.

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3. Then, some tortillas.
You know, like they throw on the field at Texas Tech. Like when they beat UT to ruin the Horns' BCS chances. Those kind of tortillas.

4. Now, retire to the back room for some drugs to whet the palate for the main course.
You can have two choices: The Bevo Cocktail or the Player's Special. The first gets you the potent mix of sedatives that keeps Bevo docile during the games, even though the Jumbotron is louder than U2 (crowd noise itself is usually never a problem). Most folks, though, prefer the latter, which features a wide array of illegal substances, all related to arrests of UT players in the Mack Brown era.

5. The main course: bologna sandwiches.
Just like they serve in the Travis County Jail. It'll almost make you feel like a Longhorn.

We don't know if you'd be up for dessert at this point. We hear Ricky Williams has some killer brownie recipes.

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