The Weather Channel: So What’s Up?

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What with all this “extreme weather” we’re having lately (read that as global climate change wreaking havoc on our oil gluttonous-lifestyles of which I am personally totally guilty…but I digress)…anyway, what with all this “extreme weather” we’re having lately, I can’t help but wander on over to The Weather Channel once in a while. Feel free to make fun of me, but you know when the thunder starts rolling, you, too are counting the clock until it’s time to check out the thrill-a-minute “Local on the 8s.”

First of all, the music. That soft jazz shit they play makes Sunny 99.1 seem like it’s busting out skate punk. Would it kill them to play, oh, The Beatles or even early James Taylor while they flick that radar past us? Hey, they could even play songs about the weather. There are only twenty bajillion songs about raindrops, including “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head” by B.J. Thomas and “Rainy Days and Mondays” by Richard and Karen “I’m So Skinny!” Carpenter.

Oh my God, as I was working on this, I went to Wikipedia (Crackipedia), and I discovered this insane fact:

“The Weather Channel released its own smooth jazz CD in 2007, The Weather Channel Presents: The Best of Smooth Jazz, based on collections of popular music played on the ‘Local on the 8s’ segments. It peaked at #1 on Billboard's Top Contemporary Jazz charts in the same year.”

Holy mother o gawd.

All right, besides the music… do you think the people on The Weather Channel are the rejects from broadcast journalism school or what? Do you think Charlie Rose and Lou Dobbs and Diane Sawyer get together over drinks and just talk shit about them? The women have big 80s hair...the men look like they're wearing foundation. They have this weird, sad, nervous look to them, like maybe they’re one step away from ending it.

The best is when one of the female forecasters is pregnant, like way pregnant. I saw one that basically blocked the whole map whenever she turned to the side. Half of her forecast was her belly.

The viewers are like:

”Oh, I see...it's raining in Biloxi and in New Orleans it’s...pregnant with a chance of twins.”

Have a dry and sunny weekend, everyone. – Jennifer Mathieu

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