Well, I'd like to welcome Matt Schaub to the Houston. Matt, as QB 1, you're going to be the toast of the town. Especially since the last QB 1 was pretty much hated. Why, right now, even as we speak, the city's leading information source is comparing you to Tom Brady — let's hope that the comparisons stop with completion percentage on the field, and not a completion percentage with girlfriends.
(Now, I'll let others take a stab at the actual sports implications of this trade, like does it make the team better, etc — Jason, have at it — because I'm dealing with more important matters.)
Matt, here's the thing. I advise you to join this great press that you're getting. Because, if the Texans don't win. Well, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
Unfair, you say? Of course. But that didn't stop Houston's leading information source from beating up on David Carr. And here's where I want you to pay attention. Thanks to the archives of the wonderful Houston Press, you can see how your predecessor Mr. Carr was treated in his first season. Pretty amazing, isn't it? It's almost like he was God — which, as everyone in Houston knows, he couldn't be because Roger Clemens is actually God. And, though I can't find it anywhere in their archives, I can swear that I remember the great minds at the Houston Chronicle's sports pages comparing Mr. Carr to one John Elway just before the 2005 season got underway. And, just stop someone on the corner, and he or she will be glad to tell you how that season turned out. Since that day, David Carr has been Public Enemy Number One.
I especially want you to read the words of one Mr. Richard Justice. He's going to say lots of great things about you. But mark my words: if you don't produce, he's coming for you. Never mind that you're no longer going to have Warrick Dunn to help you out. Never mind that your offensive line blocks like a sieve — on second thought, that's an insult to sieves. No matter that you only have one Pro Bowl-caliber player on your offense. It's all your fault. And Mr. Justice, especially, will let you hear about it. So while he's being on nice about you now, just remember that he may soon be writing things like this about you.
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SHOW ME HOW
Now, Matt, I'm giving you this warning now, but don't expect many nice things from me. If you do good, I'll let you know, but I'm kind of cynical about Houston sports, so I generally focus on the bad. And truthfully, I don't think much of this trade. If you do want some support, though, I suggest that you try the national media. They're still on the ball, and they're still pointing out that David Carr's the scapegoat for the team's passing up Reggie Bush and Vince Young in last year's draft.
So, welcome to Houston, Matt. I don't know if you're single, or if you're married. But never mind. Houston's topless clubs are of the same national quality as Atlanta's. The baseball team also flames out in the playoffs, like the Braves. The basketball team is better, but just like Atlanta, no one goes to the games.
Enjoy your stay. Let's hope that it's a good one. — John Royal
Read Jason Friedman's take here.