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Keep Houston Press Free
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This TV Will Eat Your Baby

There is nothing more horrifying than a world without TV, and that’s just what the National Association of Broadcasters hope to drive home this weekend, when they roll a 20-foot TV through the streets of Houston. Dubbed the DTV Trekker, the behemoth has been loosed upon the world to remind people that TV stations must switch to digital-only broadcasting by Feb. 19, 2009. The first stop will be at Traders Village, 7979 Eldridge Rd., from 9 a.m. to dusk. Yes, dusk.

In Texas, 21 percent of TV owners are without cable, depending solely on free analog broadcasts. If these poor bastards don’t buy a new TV or get a digital converter in the next two years, they will be stuck in a hellish netherworld devoid of B-list-starfucker reality shows and CSI:Clear Lake. So, like the 2001 Monolith that turned savage cave-dwellers into sullen space dudes, the DTV Trekker should transform Analog Man to Digital Man. “Consumers need to learn about the steps they can take to upgrade to digital before it’s too late,” said Jonathan Collegio, vice president of the DTV transition unit at the NAB, in a release.

If those 21 percent don’t act, and fast, it might lead to an apocalyptic nightmare a great scientist of yore once prophesied as human sacrifice and dogs and cats living together. We can’t have that. Behold the DTV Trekker when it comes to town. Kneel before it and heed its call. The very future of our world depends on you. And the Gilmore Girls look hotter in digital, anyway. – Craig Malisow

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