I don't know how many times I can apologize for my performance so far this season on these Friday picks. My only hope is that you haven't followed me completely into the gambling abyss, and been forced to get a second job like Walter White working the car wash in the first couple episodes of Breaking Bad.
If you did, the good news is that Walter White eventually became a multimillionaire! The bad news is that he had to become a crystal meth manufacturer to do it.
So hopefully, my horrible selections don't have any of you manufacturing meth. Or smoking it, for that matter.
So before we get to my picks, allow me to level set exactly where I am in society's food chain for a moment...
As a 4-14 handicapper through three weeks, there aren't many people I'm doing "better than." However, I can say for sure that I am still doing my job better than John Sterling (Yankees play by play announcer) did his job on this aborted home run call (that wound up being a fly ball out) earlier this week...
Also, I can say without question that I am having a better week than this poor, doughy college student who painted himself up to support his North Carolina Wolfpack and was subsequently captured on playing with his right nipple on national television last night...
And I can say without any hesitation that I am having a better week than the 54 year old guy who tried to exorcise demons from the soul of his 80 year old (EIGHTY!) girlfriend in Florida.
Other than those three, though -- Sterling, Fat Wolfpack Kid, and Florida GILF Slayer -- every other human being on earth is having a better week than Handicapper Sean.
Even meth heads. Ok, let's try and find some winners here, shall we?
ALABAMA/Colorado State OVER 51 I like this total pick with the Tide better than laying the 39 points, but the big news with Alabama today were the rumors that Tide quarterback A.J. McCarron and his erstwhile girlfriend and former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb have indeed broken up. Somewhere, Brent Musberger rejoices!
I think I speak for heterosexual men everywhere when I say that I hope Webb and Dee Dee Bonner (A.J.'s mom)can still be friends
BAYLOR/UL-Monroe OVER 75 These two teams scored 89 points combined last season. Baylor leads the nation in points and yards per game. As long as Baylor games against non-BCS level opponents are getting totals under 80, I will keep taking it as a personal dare. Taking lines personally is a VERY healthy way to gamble, kids. (Not really.)
STANFORD -6 over Arizona State Stanford has been unimpressive thus far this season (Translation: They have yet to cover the spread.), and Arizona State is coming off of one of the biggest end of game clusterfucks in recent history in their win against Wisconsin the other night. Take a look...
Seriously, Wisconsin, your kicker is that finicky that the risk of putting the ball in the middle of the field is worth it with no timeouts left? And what's not seen in this video is Arizona Statethrowing
the ball with a lead late in the game, when they should have been burning clock. Seriously, this game should have been the first ever double disqualification in college football history.
So what does this all mean for Saturday? Well, when a team like ASU wins a game like that, it means one of two things -- either they're a team of destiny and it's their year, or karma comes back to roost the following week. It's one or the other, and frankly I refuse to believe that we live in a world in which an asshole like Todd Graham can coach a team of destiny.
Pestilence, famine, disease, war, terror? Yes. Todd Graham successful? No way. I'm taking the Cardinal.
Speaking of Stanford...
49ERS -9 1/2 over Colts Jim Harbaugh is a certifiable psychopath, and when you punch certifiable psychopaths in the face, generally they come out ready to squeeze you skull like a grape. Make no mistake, Seattle's 29-3 trouncing of the 49ers has Harbaugh in skull crushing mode. In fact, historically, the 49ers have followed every loss of the Harbaugh Era with a win by an average margin of 16.7 points. Also, every "mentor vs student" matchup (what's up, Andrew Luck!) ends with the mentor standing over a bloody student. Just ask Tommy Gunn...
I'm picturing the ghost of Bo Schembechler in Harbaugh's ear..."Get up you sonofabitch!! Because Bo loves ya...."
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VIKINGS -6 1/2 over Browns This line was 6 1/2 on the morning that Trent Richardson was traded. So after moving their best player in a deal that unequivocally makes them less talented (Willis McGahee is a downgrade to a one legged cadaver, much less Trent Richardson.), the line on the game moved to....6 1/2. Right, it didn't move at all. All of this is my PSA to remind you that the only players that really move lines in football are quarterbacks, Adrian Peterson, and Calvin Johnson. As for this game, I don't understand this line. The Browns all of a sudden have serious "______ is on the clock" potential. You know, how ESPN talks about the worst team in the NFL in season by playing a clip of the commissioner saying they are on the clock for the number overall pick? It's the Browns and the Jags and nobody else right now. The Vikings are 0-2, but I trust them here.
Bills +2 1/2 over JETS If there's a team that can crash the Browns and Jags Shit Show Party, I'm taking the Jets. A competitive 1-1 early in the season doesn't fool me. Geno Smith is a mess, and E.J. Manuel looks kind of frisky for Buffalo.
Last week: 1-5 Season record: 4-14
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.