Hair Balls would like to take the time to discuss a very serious matter: pooping. Specifically, pooping in a toilet. More specifically, not having a toilet in which to poop.
It's a serious situation that affects 2.5 billion people in developing nations, according to the World Toilet Organization, which is helping organize "Big Squat" events for Thursday, World Toilet Day.
In what we half-suspect (and half-hope) is an elaborate hoax, the World Toilet Organization is accepting donations to combat lack of access to proper sanitation. We say "hoax," because, in addition to showing people squatting in the workplace out of solidarity for the toilet-less, we really can't believe some dude wrote the "The majority of the illness in the world is caused by fecal matter" and actually meant it. Plus, the site includes bathroom-based songs, such as "Do You Know," which begins "Did you know/were you aware/over your lifetime/you spend three years/onthe toilet?"
No. We did not know.
But just in case this is serious, Houston needs to represent by starting Squat Squads. According to the website, there are Squat Squad events in Illinois, Oregon, Wisconsin and Washington, but none in Texas! What's up with that, people? Do Texans not care about our Brothers Without Bowls, our Sisters Sans Shitters?
Maybe you need some feces-related music to get pumped up. Here, then, are a few suggestions:
Scatman Cruthers: "Ghost Riders in the Sky"
Actually, neither the title nor the lyrics have anything to do with poop. But need we point out that the dude's name is Scatman?
Joe Cocker: "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window"
We chose Cocker's version over the Beatles because he actually sounds like he's dropping a deuce while he's singing. A really soulful deuce.
Beavis and Butthead: "Diarrhea Cha-Cha-Cha"
Perhaps the greatest song ever written about Number Two.
Romperprop: "Cleveland Steamer"
We couldn't actually listen to more than 12 seconds of this.
Circle Jerks: "When The Shit Hits the Fan"
The Repo Man version is good, too!
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SHOW ME HOW
Elvis Presley: "In the Ghetto"
OK, this is another song that's not actually about bowel movements. But Elvis may just be the most famous man to ever die on the throne. So if he doesn't deserve a shout-out here, no one does.