Tiger Woods Incident Proves Five Truisms Are True

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Tiger Woods' little traffic accident this holiday weekend has gripped the nation like nothing since Balloon Boy. It's also about as important as Balloon Boy.

(This just in for those under-a-rock dwellers: Woods crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant and tree near his driveway at about 2:30 in the morning. Other details are sketchy and seem to be changing hourly.)

Despite the ultimate triviality of the incident to anyone besides the Woods family, it has proven five truisms to be, well, as true as ever.

1. Men think with their dicks. Woods is married to a Swedish model. Yet the National Enquirer is reporting that he cheats on her, especially with one named woman. (This has caused every sports message board in the world to have a post from someone oh-so-knowingly saying "Show me the hottest woman in the world, and I'll show you someone who's sick of putting up with her shit." This post is usually written by a 320-pound sweatpants-wearing Cheetos-scarfer who hasn't known the touch of a woman since that one party 18 years ago. He still googles the girl's name every month or so.)

2. Hollywood lies. Woods ran over a fire hydrant -- and there was no dramatic geyser gushing skyward. This defies every rule of fire-hydrant-hitting that has been passed down to moviegoers throughout the ages. Next thing you know, we're going to find out that there are car chases that don't involve running into street-corner fruit stands.

3. The holidays are a cause of tension. Especially if the National Enquirer is coming out with a story that you're cheating on your wife. Sure, that's different from the usual tension of "Good God, is my brother-in-law still talking about how great Glenn Beck's new book is?" But it's tension, nevertheless.

4. The police treat rich people differently. Again, not news. But shown to be true yet again. If you or I plowed through a fire hydrant and a tree and the cops were coming the next day to ask some questions, it's not likely that we could have our agent call them en route to say we just don't feel like it today. Or maybe Florida cops are just more friendly than Texas cops.

5. Taking days to get your story straight is never a good sign. We haven't even followed this thing that closely and we've been baffled by the official explanation offered: Woods was trapped in a car, so his wife got a golf club, ran to the SUV, smashed a window to get him out, except he was really already out and on the ground, depending on which version you hear? The 911 tape doesn't help much. But you can't escape the feeling that somewhere, somehow, marital negotiations are going on about what story to tell. And they are very, very expensive negotiations.

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