Celebrities are, by and large, very uninteresting people. Peel back whatever it is they are famous for -- sports, movies, television, being famous (the Kardashian/Hilton Corollary) -- and typically there's not much there. Unless you're interested in how much shit they own (Cribs Corollary), who they're banging (People Magazine Corollary), or watching them girl slap the paparazzi (TMZ Corollary), there's really not much there.
Ask yourself who the most boring person is in your group of friends and chances are that person has thoughts just as deep as most actors or athletes. I stress most, because there are a few here and there who surprise. But in general, one's level of celebrity tends to run inversely proportional to their ability to provoke thought.
That theory bears itself out on Twitter. Once you reach a certain point (probably the low five digits worth of followers), the more followers a celebrity has, the less interesting their Twitter content. That's my theory. It's not scientific, it's very subjective, but based on hours of mindless Twitter surfing.
And that theory is about to be put to the ultimate test, because the most boring soundbite ever is about to regale us with his thoughts 140 characters at a time -- yes, Tiger Woods is on Twitter.
Remember when LeBron James opened his Twitter account right around the time of The
Abortion Decision and @KINGJAMES went from zero to 900,000 followers in about twelve seconds, and at the same time The King decided to follow nobody? Even about a month or two into his Twitter existence, James was following his lap dog, Chris Paul, and that's it. It was the perfect metaphor for LeBron's self-absorption.
Well, Tiger does a nice job of one-upping LeBron in the "follower/followee" department. As of this typing, Tiger had 136,354 followers and was following five Twitter accounts: Nike, his video game, his Learning Center, his "Action Plan", and his foundation. If it's possible to walk past the entire gallery and through the crowd signing no autographs via Twitter, Tiger is doing it.
The thing is Tiger is smart. I mean, he's not very smart at covering his adultery tracks, but he is a well-read individual (I think) and he did go to Stanford for like two weeks. It would be a shame to see someone with Tiger's social media potential and reach failing to utilize Twitter to its maximum benefit.
So with that in mind, here are a few Twitter handles I think Tiger might enjoy. Call it my own personal Follow Friday (on a Wednesday) from one Cablinasian to another:
@EatAtPerkins -- Official Twitter page for the Perkins Restaurant chain, where Tiger can get all of the specials on pancakes, omelettes, and pie.
@daily_buddhism -- We know how important Tiger's Buddhist roots are to the cleansing of his soul. Now he can get his daily serving on Twitter with quotes and links galore. Buddhi-licious!!
@Joslyn_James -- Speaking of bootylicious, what better way to keep tack of and interact with old flames than Twitter! Of course, to do it in a way where your bizness isn't out there for everyone to peruse, you need to use the Direct Message feature, and to "DM" back and forth with someone, you need to follow each other. If Twitter were a strip club, DM'ing is kind of like the champagne room, so my guess is Joslyn James (I don't think that's her real name, call me crazy) is probably good with this.
@youtube -- Tiger needs to know when new video of him is going viral. Following the good folks at YouTube will allow him to view things like...
....the Creepy "Earl Speaks From The Grave" Nike Ad....
...and the old YouTube standby, Hitler getting pissed off at you for whatever it was you did....
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Yeah, Tiger needs YouTube.
In the meantime, I'll anxiously await Tiger's first tweet that ends with "Huge. Quickly. All right. Bye."
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.