Tila Tequila's Pearls of Wisdom

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One of the best parts of living the life of Miss Pop Rocks (in addition to the celebrity status I enjoy in my own mind) is sometimes I get my hands on promotional stuff marketing people send the Press, and then I get to make fun of it here.

The latest treasure to arrive in my mailbox? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about Hooking Up With Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party, a new book by MTV's favorite bisexual and Houston's own Miss Tequila. In addition to a title as long as the Amazon, there are several meaty chapters in this tome including "Sluts" and "Girls Get Real." I don't know about you, but I hear Pulitzer calling.

Because I care about you, my readers, I've decided to highlight for you the best moments out of Tila's book. The woman is so wise, really. Check it out:

The Most Valuable Moments of Tila Tequila's New Book

"I admit it. In certain situations, I've had sex on the first date, and it did end up developing into something amazing. The sex was so good that the guy was like, 'Holy Shit! You're fucking awesome.' It can work. But if you do have sex on the first date, it will have to be the best EVER."

Doesn't catching the clap make it less than the best EVER?

"Even though people say I'm a pop culture icon, I'm already dreaming a LOT bigger. I remember, on MySpace, where they ask you to list your heroes and influences, I chose Joan of Arc, Queen Elizabeth, and Anne Boleyn - women who actually did shit. I want to be thought of like those women, like Madonna and Angelina Jolie, instead of those girls today who just stumble around causing stupid scandals and being train wrecks."

Believe it or not, this is one of about 30 times that Tila mentions being in love with Anne Boleyn. I'm not sure if I should be impressed or confused or both.

"I was broke. I was sending money back to my family in Texas AND taking care of a friend from Sweden who was crashing with me. It was embarrassing, because I was already known as this starlet on MySpace. So I'll come clean. There were times when I used what I had to get what I wanted. This is fucking Hollywood, man. It happens every day. You've just got to be smart about it, ladies. None of this sucking dick for a dollar bullshit. If you're going to do it, I'm talking about sucking dick for a Bentley."

Hmm... "I'll come clean." Somehow, that phrase doesn't quite fit this passage.

"As much as I loved my hometown, I knew it wasn't the place for me. I needed so much more from my life. I just knew, somehow, that I had a profound purpose for being here. I wanted to feel truly alive. Being stuck in Houston was the exact opposite. It seemed as if there was just no way out."

Tila got no love for H-Town? What up, T? Why you do us like that?

"You can never go wrong with candles. Just the smell of hot was releases endorphins. Or just leave the TV on if you don't have candles. That's like the poor man's mood lighting!"

Tila, have you ever considered a side career in interior design?

"Sometimes girls get tired of dealing with guys being all tough and macho, and all of a sudden they find themselves being into other chicks. And they're like, 'Oh my God, what is happening to me?' Nothing is happening to you. You're following your heart."

Or you're drunk and a sophomore in college. But I digress.

"We live in this society where we're all taught to, like, "Go to school. Go to college. Go to grad school. Go work for some big company." There's no room to have one single thought of your own. But what I'm saying is you CAN find a way to break out of that mold and be free. And if you do, that's when you really find your purpose in life. Dharma, they call it."

Tila, girl, you are like Socrates reincarnated. Thank you for that.

-- Jennifer Mathieu

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