This Friday, Tea Party man-crush Ted Cruz, whose father emigrated from Cuba to the United States, and Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst, who speaks some mean Gringo Spanish, will not -- to our great disappointment -- speak in Spanish at their debate in Dallas. Or Spanglish. It's going to be more of the same: down-home Republicanese.
This is a deep tragedy for those who enjoy awkward and embarrassing television. There's now little need to watch the debate for purely sardonic purposes: Go hither, sadists, and instead consume media related to Whoopi Goldberg or Chris Katan to mollify such desires. There will be nothing for you here.
Dewhurst's campaign office said, however, the establishment candidate is "willing to debate Ted Cruz in any language." (Elvin?) And Dewhurst is "up to any kind of proposal that comes his way," spokesperson Matt Hirsch told Hair Balls.
We're excited by this, and hope something comes of it. Debates are so boring. They shake hands, pose for pictures, drone for two hours, pose, then shake hands again. Give us a new barometer! Who's better at free-styling? Who garners the most kills in Halo? Which candidate can survive three days in the Chihuahuan Desert?
That last one seems important because if Republicans are going to insist on an immigration policy that translates to something along the lines of, Get the Hell Out of Here, perhaps they should experience what some undocumented workers endure to work here.
Hirsch said Dewhurst's rationale behind a Spanish debate was to "get the message out to as many Texas as he can" that he intends to "repeal President Barack Obama's disastrous policies." This includes explaining to Hispanic viewers -- in their native language -- why Obama's recent push to slacken immigration requirements, which has boosted enthusiasm for the president among Hispanics, is a bad idea. This seems like a difficult feat to accomplish -- in any language.
Although, judging from what little Spanish we saw in Univision's coverage it's probably best that Dewhurst sticks to English. Dude speaks some labored Spanish--"We can have a more intelligent program for legal immigration," he finally managed after a fair number of "ums," and "muchos."
Much of this has been overblown, Hirsch continued, saying Dewhurst never explicitly challenged Cruz to a debate in Spanish. The idea was Univision's. "It was never serious," Hirsh said.