To bastardize a line from Groundhog Day, "Well, it's Black Friday...again." It's that oh-so-magical time of year when the strong walk away from predawn shopping trips with armfuls of electronic goodies while the weak get treated by EMS for boot marks left by shoppers stampeding into Best Buy.
Since 2005, the nerdy cousin to Black Friday has been Cyber Monday. Normally scheduled for the Monday after Thanksgiving, it is the day when online retailers take their shot at office workers still hungover from the long weekend and not quite ready to rejoin their fellow employees mentally.
In the case of retailers, they need it to extend what has become a kind of pathetic annual ritual for consumers. But, at least Cyber Monday has a nerdy bent to it, because we all like us some geeks, right? In honor of this most crass of holidays, I give you the five reasons Cyber Monday is better than Black Friday.
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5. There are no crowds. Let me get the obvious out of the way right off the bat. More to the point, there are no stinky, biting, stabbing, punching, angry mobs tired from lack of sleep but wired from coffee and Red Bull. And there's no traffic in your house, unless you count your children or your cats, which is just sad.
4. Some deals start as early as November 7. Seriously, Staples, one of the first really big box retailers to truly embrace online holiday sales, starts their deals on November 7. Plus, there are all sorts of sites for getting deals like Groupon, Living Social, Woot and even our own Voice Daily Deals. Why sit outside a Best Buy in a tent for a week when you can just get the stuff you'll never use anyway in October?
3. Naked shopping. It's time we discuss the elephant in the room. For years now, many have tried to hide their more embarrassing bedroom habits. But you are not alone. Yes, people like to shop in the nude. It had to be said and, God knows, I feel better. Going into Walmart naked will probably get you arrested -- you better hope that's all you get -- so, just stay at home and shop in the buff to your little heart's content. Your long, sad shame is at an end, my friend. 2. No Christmas music. Look, I like Christmas music. I'm listening to it as I write this because it gets me in the mood to demand you buy many gifts for the holidays to save the economy. God bless America! But, if you don't like Christmas music, especially the tripe that is piped over the speaker systems at Target -- the Chipmunks' Christmas song must die! -- Cyber Monday is your best chance of escape...until you have to buy groceries.
1. Getting gifts in the mail is awesome. Tell me you don't freaking love getting stuff in the mail. You don't? Liar! Despite the fact that the U.S. Postal Service is rotting on the vine thanks to electronic communication, there isn't yet a way to e-mail a physical package to someone -- get on that, science! For those of us who grew up before the Internet, there's a real magic to seeing a package on our doorsteps, even if it is a gift for someone else. After all, it could be a Red Rider BB gun or a beautiful leg lamp!