Top Five Things to Do in Houston Sports This Weekend: SHO, Astros and Croquet?

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Hey, boys and girls, it's the weekend again. I bet you didn't think you'd make it here from Monday, did you? We assume the next few days are all filled up with plans for antiquing, buying groceries, working in the garden, eating sensibly and going to church for Easter. HA HA HA! We're kidding.

But before you order that keg you plan to drink by yourself while watching nonstop coverage of the NCAA Tournament, consider a few items we have on the sports docket this weekend. It could be a chance for you to get out of the house and do something productive, like get drunk at a ballpark instead of at home standing over the sink eating a frozen dinner. So sad.

5. Shell Houston Open All Weekend

Redstone Golf Club 5810 Wilson Rd. Humble, TX 77396 www.shellhoustonopen.com/

If you love golf or just well-manicured, overly fertilized grass, you are going to love the annual Houston PGA tour event. The weather should be fantastic, the greens are slick as greased whale poop (that one's for you, dad) and the Open boasts one of the best fields in years thanks to the fact it moved back to two weeks before the Masters. Most of the best golfers on the planet will be in Houston -- no, not Tiger...did you have to go there? -- and the Houston Golf Association always puts on a great show.

4. Astros vs. Rangers Sunday, 7:05 p.m.

Minute Maid Park 501 Crawford Houston, Texas 77002 www.astros.com

Holy Toledo, Milo, it's time for opening day. Yes, owner Jim Crane has jacked up ticket prices for opening weekend. Sure, the Astros are stuck playing in the American League. Of course, the team will probably lose more than 100 games again. But, hey, since most of you can't watch the games thanks to the continuing CSN Houston vs. Every Cable Provider Not Named Comcast debacle, you may as well pony up and head for Minute Maid. The roof should be open and I'm pretty sure good seats are still available.

3. 7th Annual Fiesta Speedfest (NASCAR) Saturday, 5 p.m.

Houston Motorsports Park 11620 North Lake Houston Parkway Houston, Texas 77044 www.houstonmotorsportspark.com/SPEEDFEST/SPEEDFEST.html

If you're feeling the NEED for SPEED, you might want to check out the NASCAR Whelen All-American Series event at Houston Motorsports Park. Stock cars, modified stock cars and trucks will all be hauling ass around the track in north Houston. Tickets are only $15 and you might get to see a wreck or an explosion or Honey Boo Boo!

2. Rockets vs. Clippers Saturday, 7 p.m.

Toyota Center 1510 Polk Houston, Texas 77002 www.rockets.com

The Rockets are down to the final 10-plus games of the year and this will be one of only five remaining games in the regular season to be played at home. Plus, coming to town are the high-flying Clippers featuring Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan, who dunk more than customers at Shipley's on a Monday morning. HEY-OH! The Clips, shockingly, are one of the best in the Western Conference and the Rockets are still fighting for playoff seeding, so this should be a great matchup.

1. Croquet & Cocktails (sorta) -- Crazy for Croquet Sunday, 2 p.m.

Memorial Park Croquet Court (who knew?) 1500 Memorial Loop Houston, Texas 77007 www.bayoucityoutdoors.com/

Honestly, I thought croquet was something that only existed in period docu-dramas about aristocratic British people, but apparently it is a real thing and Memorial Park even has a place specifically designed for it. But be sure not to double tap unless you're playing a half-bisque. Hey, look at me! Plus, according to the event info, this is a BYOB event, so you can latch onto your mallet with a good buzz on if you so choose. Get out there and whack that ball with a wooden hammer, ol' chap!

Additional Items:

Dynamo vs. San Jose Earthquakes The Dynamo are back at BBVA Compass Stadium on Saturday night to take on San Jose. I know, I know, soccer is boring, but the fans are fantastic and the stadium is amazing, so enjoy the orange and try to be excited for ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!

Rice vs. Tulane The Tulane Green Wave are in town for games Friday night and Saturday afternoon against Rice. The Owls haven't been great this year, but the atmosphere at Reckling Park is outstanding and just being on the Rice campus supposedly makes you smarter. It's science.

Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight Yes, the NCAA Tournament continues despite the fact that Houston has delivered the worst ratings of any city in the country. Perhaps it is because there are no Texas teams involved or maybe we just have a lot more things to do -- life in the big city and all that. But if your bracket is still even marginally alive -- way to go Harvard! -- there are plenty of sports bars willing to feed your March Madness and your love of beer. Mmmm...beer.

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