The above image is exactly what we imagine you say when you see the weekly headline announcing the best things to do in sports this weekend. You're all, "FUCK YEAH, MOTHER EFFER! IT'S TIME FOR SPORTS! WOO!"
Then you read about the things we have to offer and you're all, "YEAH...wait, what?" That's because not all sports are for you, Jocky McSportyguy. Some people like a more sophisticated brand of recreation that goes down smooth like a white wine spritzer. You should try one. They are delicious!
In their honor, our list this week is all about the elite, the upper echelon, the upper crust...the crustier the better. But, don't worry, there's still some hootin' and hollerin' to be done as well and you won't be disappointed even if your idea of a classy evening is all-you-can-eat chicken wings while watching UFC.
5. The Masters All Weekend On Televisions across the country.
Ah, the grand tradition of the Masters with the green jacket, the inherent racism and the soft voice of Jim Nantz making you want to punch a kitten in the face. Still, the first PGA major of the year is a damn fine sports spectacle and a great way to catch some Zs on a Sunday afternoon in front of the tube.
4. Men's Clay Court Championships All Weekend River Oaks Country Club 1600 River Oaks Blvd. Houston, Texas 77019 mensclaycourt.com
The finals of the Mens Clay Court Championships are this weekend at the River Oaks Country Club. If that doesn't make you want to say, "Why, Chad, that is a fine ascot you are wearing" while smoking a pipe, I don't know what does. Clay is a weird surface for tennis and is something of a specialty for tennis players, but the action is always fast and furious and these guys are real pros, so worth checking out.
3. Rice vs. University of Central Florida Friday, 6:30 p.m.; Saturday, 2 p.m.; Sunday, 1 p.m. Reckling Park Campus of Rice University riceowls.com
Don't let the locale fool you, Rice University is Ivy League material. You can smell it when you walk on campus, an air of superiority emanating from the oversized craniums of students and faculty. Playing on the beautiful diamond of Reckling Park just adds to the gentile vibe. But, they still have beer!
2. Houston Rockets vs. Memphis Grizzlies; Houston Rockets vs. Sacramento Kings Friday, 7 p.m.; Sunday, 6 p.m. 1510 Polk St. Houston, TX 77002 rockets.com
Here you go, true sports fan. While it may be true that the club seating is so expensive at Toyota Center that the fans there are more apt to rattle their jewelry than clap (assuming they are even in their seats), Rockets have some hardcore, awesome fans who should be tearing the roof off the place as the team battles for playoff positioning. Yes, PLAYOFFS!
1. Sunday Polo - Malbec Cup Sunday, 5 p.m Houston Polo Grounds 8552 Memorial Drive Houston, Texas 77024 thehoustonpoloclub.com/
Here you go, buster. This is the pinnacle of luxury sport and it's right here in Houston. Apparently, it happens every Sunday -- polo at the Houston Polo Grounds anyway. And this particular Sunday is the Malbec Cup. God only knows what that is, but it's named after wine so it must be encrusted in diamonds and smell of lavender. It's like goddamn Downton Abbey in your freaking back yard!
Additional Goings On:
UH vs. Seton Hall Friday, 6:30 p.m.; Saturday, 6:30 p.m.; Sunday, 1 p.m. Cougar Field at the University of Houston
More college baseball, but this is on the dirtier side down in the ward at the city college. Plus UH is better than Rice this year in baseball, so get down there and party like Guy V. Lewis was elected to the Naismith Hall of Fame. Oh, right, he was!
Houston Dynamo vs. Chicago Fire Sunday, 4 p.m. BBVA Compass Stadium
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Soccer is the preferred sport of Europeans making it automatically a grand affair and perfect for our list. It's also one of the best atmospheres in Houston sports and the Dynamo are damn good to boot.
Houston Aeros vs. San Antonio Rampage Saturday, 7 p.m. Toyota Center
This is the last regular season home game for the Aeros and with their impending move to Des Moines, this would be the time to see them. They could make the playoffs, but even so, this is a bittersweet ending to a long tenure in Houston. Drop the puck one last time.