Recently, Houston's patriotism has been questioned by Stephen Colbert, who took us to task for our fireworks ban, and Men's Health magazine, who ranked us the 89th most patriotic city. Houston was beat by Austin (21), Dallas (60) and San Antonio (78). Well! We can't stand for that. We're unable to set off any real fireworks in our veritable tinderbox of a city to prove our patriotism, so here's a sexy guide to setting off some fireworks of your own this Fourth of July -- Houston style.
4. Position: The Mount Rushmore Cast: Between two to eight, any gender How to do it: When Gutzon Borglum set out to chisel the pelvis-to-wig likenesses of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln into the side of a mountain, he could only carve the heads before he ran out of money. Though no doubt a masterpiece, Mount Rushmore is certainly America's greatest tease.
Honor America's proudest shortcoming by scaling Mount Rush Hour, Houston's very own version off of I-45. Once you settle comfortably in the part of Lincoln's locks, engage with your partner in above-waist explorations. Stop just as it's getting good, in acknowledgment of the pain Borglum faced when he realized he could not give the beautiful, presidential faces proper waists due to his own penury. Bonus points if you arrange your three closest friends side-by-side and make it a group exercise.
3. Position: The Rocket Launcher Cast: One man, one woman. It's 1969, after all. How to do it: Head over to Mission Control to put your own man on the moon. But hurry, it's a space race! Countdown together to liftoff, and when the big moment arrives, pics or it didn't happen. And for you moon-landing conspiracists: fake it.
Repeat six times, to honor Apollo's six moon landings.
2. Position: The Sparkler Cast: Two men How to do it: Fireworks are patriotic for two main reasons. We've ignited them since our nation's first Independence Day, and, like all great things in America, they're a product of China. No wonder Houston's coming under fire for banning them.
Of course, there are ways to get around the burn ban. Leave the lube at home when you and your partner start out for Sam Houston National Park. You'll want to be completely dry for this one. For variations on how to start a fire, we defer to tried and true Boy Scout tactics recommended on the Internet:
1. Rubbing the two sticks together. 2. A stick pointed straight down into another stick (between the palms of both hands) and rub the hands vigorously. 3. Tie a string on a stick (make it look like a bow for a bow and arrow set), wrap it around another stick...and drill it into the stick you plan to make the fire with.
I figure about four hours and seven blisters would do it.
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1. Position: The Declaration of Independence Cast: You How to do it: When in the Course of human events, sometimes you realize no one can govern your body quite like you. The most patriotic place you can be this Fourth of July is in bed by yourself, kindling the American spirit.
As you hold your truth to be self-evident, feel free to make loud and boisterous proclamations. Okay, so all men aren't created equal at doing that at which you are obviously so far superior, but at least you live in a country where you have the Right to pursue your own Happiness. That's a climax that'll carry you all the way through a great Independence Day and Night.