Totally Commercial: Super Bowl Color Commentary with Miss Pop Rocks

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Let’s get right to it:

Half an hour before the show starts, I’m watching Don Shula, Emmitt Smith, and others reading the Declaration of Independence. Can someone explain to me what the Hell this has to do with the Super Bowl?

Break out the frozen pizza…here we go.

Jordin Sparks is singing the National Anthem, and I think it sucks. I’m sorry, but I have a problem with people who, when they sing the National Anthem, add in all these little trills and dips in their voice trying to make the anthem a soul song. Hello! Francis Scott Key wrote that sucker while he was getting bombed. Sing it straight, please.

Owen Wilson has a new film out called Drillbit Taylor. There’s another movie Mr. Pop Rocks will refuse to see.

Mr. Pop Rocks needs me to help him find the salsa…I’m going to bargain with him. I’ll get you the salsa if you take me to see Drill Bit Taylor.

The Miami Dolphin who won the Walter Payton award is cuuuuute. Hell, I didn’t even know Walter Payton was dead.

The ref is cute, too. What am I, ovulating?

I just asked Mr. Pop Rocks why it takes 35 people for one coin toss, but he just rolled his eyes at me and looked away.

My prediction is the ads are going to be about beer, trucks, soda, and computers.

I think the Patriots’ uniforms are better than the Giants’ uniforms. Frankly, dark colors look better on television. And the white shows stains.

First ad of the night: Bud Light. Bud Light gives you the ability to breathe fire. This ad is not funny.

Audi ad referencing The Godfather. Very clever.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s create an ad for Diet Pepsi Max that references a Saturday Night Live skit from the mid 90s! Won’t that be hilarious!?!?!? (Note: It was not hilarious.)

I have no desire to see The Sarah Connor Chronicles, do you?

Another stupid ass Bud Light ad with men hiding their Bud Light in giant pieces of cheese. I think the ad is supposed to imply that women don’t like beer and men do. Well guess what, fuckheads, I’m drinking a Bud Light right now, and this ad just pissed me off! I’m not buying Bud Light anymore.

There’s this Doritos ad showing a girl singing about a message from her heart. The musical ability of this girl is on par with the girls who used to sing with their guitars in the stairwells of my college dorm, which is to say, not very good. I’m sure she’ll go platinum tomorrow.

Oh, Danica Patrick. I guess it wasn’t enough to become one of the first female race car drivers. You need to prostitute yourself for a GoDaddy.com ad where you apparently take off your shirt. Wow, great! Thank you, Danica, for reminding feminists why we are still relevant.

Has anyone scored yet? Ugh…I need more beer that’s not Bud Light.

FedEx ad with giant pigeons…somewhat funny. Maybe that’s only because most of the ads have been so baaaad tonight.

Oh, they’re showing the celebrities at the game. Gisele Bundchen. Jim Carrey. Jenny McCarthy. Pam Anderson. Wow, now everything is so much more exciting since we know they’re there.

Aw…Budweiser actually pulled off a supercute ad showing a dog training a horse to become one of the Budweiser horses. Set to the music from “Rocky.” Very cute and sweet…but it’s not enough to make me want to buy Bud Light anymore.

Man is stuck in car with wild badgers. Stupid ad.

Oh, this one is good…for careerbuilder.com. A woman’s heart jumps out of her chest and quits her crap job. Simple but effective…also not offensive to half the population. Take a note, Bud Light.

Lizards are singing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” to advertise a flavored water whose name I’ve already forgotten. Stupid ad.

This PSA about prescription drugs being dangerous is making me wonder if Mr. Pop Rocks has any Vicodin leftover from his dental surgery. I hooooope so!

Now Bud Light is making fun of foreign accents. Great.

Five minutes until Tom Petty….

Ugly girl attracts boys by smearing herself with Planters nuts. What sexist assholes came UP with the ads this year?

Justin Timberlake getting pulled around…yawn.

Okay! Halftime show! Time to break out the raw cookie dough. Is it just me, or does that giant lit-up guitar look like a big penis? Now it’s entering the big heart. Anyway, “American Girl” is playing. One of the best songs ever written…too bad I can’t listen to it without thinking of that creep ass scene in “Silence of the Lambs” where that girl gets abducted.

Tom Petty doesn’t look that good, which is fine because he actually never did...so it’s okay. He’s onto “Free Fallin’,” famously known for having one of the most complicated guitar solos to master.

Okay, first half is over and I’m falling asleep. I don’t know who’s winning or losing, nor do I care. I’m going to bed. But first, I need to pour out all the remaining Bud Lights in my fridge.


Miss Pop Rocks

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