It turns out there's five more. At least.
Hlavaty ably limned the TMI posts, the what-I'm-eating tweets, the horror of Foursquare.
But we've got our own beefs. They involve more subtle ways of torturing followers.
1. Making sure everyone knows you're hawt without directly saying so.
Tweets like "Dear guy at Starbucks staring at my ass: Sorry, not gonna happen." Or tweets about how tired you are of hearing your friends talk about how much food you can eat and not gain any weight. Or anything where a woman says she's actually looking forward to shopping for a new bikini or two.
We get it, you're smokin', and we all secretly drool over you. According to you, anyway.
2. "Aaaargh!! So BUSY!!!!" tweets
We've mentioned in passing how inane it is for a person to tweet about how busy they are. But come on -- tweeting it can mean only two things: a) The fact that you're busy at your job is so unusual that you need to take time out to record it for posterity, or b) You feel the need to imply to everyone you know that you are working harder than them, because obviously they're just a bunch of cubicle-dwelling slackers who can't conceive of the hard-charging professional life you're living out there on the edge.
3. This. #gettingcutewithhashtags
Also, the use of the word "this" to denote agreement in a retweet.
4. Before you tweet an aphorism, aphorism your tweet
There's a certain type of twitterer who can get obsessed with giving cheery, look-on-the-bright-side encouragement to everyone. These people also seem addicted to antimetabole or chiasmus, which is the old "Ask not what your country can do for you...." device. So you get a lot of advice like "Accept the things you can't change & change the things you can't accept" or "it's not the dog in the fight, it's the fight in the dog" or "You can look up hacky sayings online, but you can't hack up online sayings."
5a. machine-gun burst
5b. set of tweets
5c. that never end
You know the type:
"(14 minutes ago) Line at DPS out the door. Feel like yelling 'fire' and see what happens."
"(14 minutes ago) Not that I would ever do that."
"(13 minutes ago) Unless there was a real fire. Then I probably would."
"(12 minutes ago) Or maybe I would just let the professionals handle it."
"(12 minutes ago) And by 'professionals' I don't mean arsonists."
"(11 minutes ago) Although I guess an arsonist would be considered a professional when it comes to fire."
"(10 minutes ago) As would firefighters, but on the other side of the fence."
"(10 minutes ago) Unless it was a fence that was on fire by an arsonist, I guess."
.....and so on.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.