Valentine's Day: Nine Awful Gift Ideas

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

We're sure that the procrastinators out there just started sweating reading that headline. Yes, you only have days to get that special whoever something for Valentine's Day, which is closing in on us, coming up on Monday.

There are good gifts (all-day sex marathons, beef ribs served in bed, cash) and then there are the bad gifts, the ones that can earn you a one-way ticket to the couch, the curb, or the dorky table in the lunchroom for you kids in grade school.

For most bad gifts, you have an outside chance of surviving getting off with just a laugh and a smile, a reprieve from punishment. Gifts like the ones you are about to read about may very well leave both people in tears. For guys, crying in a heap on the floor after being racked in the nuts.

9. Mini Branding Iron This is prison shit, and I love it. You could use it on friends at bars, and not just to brand strippers on Valentine's evening after you have finished all the blow and can't go home.

8. Edible Penis Mold Because dudes wanna eat their own dick. Seriously? This would be cool for a mean ex-girlfriend who wants to show her friends how small her ex-man was over a few bottles of white wine. I want to meet the person/man who will chow down on a gelatinous mold of his penis so I can ask him if he has to heat his brass balls in the winter.

7. Baby Love Reborns For the couple who misses having newborns around the house, or a barren couple that wants to know what it's like to have an inert, lifeless doll lying around the house. If you get this for your infertile wife, do not pass GO do not collect alimony.

6. Shape-Ups "Hey toots, your ass sort of sucks since we have gotten older. Put on these shoes that look like they were made for the cast of The Boys Next Door. Do stuff to my junk."

5. Fleshlights This isn't so bad, I guess. It could mean your significant other doesn't want you to have tired hands, or would like you to practice longevity skills on a fake rectum or vagina so you can last longer in bed or the bed of the pick-up. On the downside, it could mean that they feel bad for cheating on you and don't want you to stray too far. 4. Sexy Coupon Book These never have the cool things in them that couples develop over their time together. The cute, dirty things that don't get printed on coupons. All their manufactured, sexy little scenarios are boring. People don't do half those things, even drunk. Where is the "Miss, Will You Please Put A Finger In Me While You Go Down On Me" coupon? Or the "Okay, Thanks For Putting A Finger In My Ass That One Night But Don't Tell Anyone That I Asked For Three More Fingers" coupon?

3. Boyfriend Pillow For the boyfriend or girlfriend who sees you as nothing but a dead, creepy, cotton-stuffed detached arm. They should make one with a pair of boobs on it for us fellas, huh Howard? Am I right? Boo-yah!

2. Couples Cooking Classes Cooking together is second only to building IKEA furniture for the likelihood of a petty argument breaking out. Why not learn to argue silently with other couples who are doing the same? The muttering, the eye-rolling, the light dusting of sweat on the man's brow as he stares longingly at the other, nicer women in the class who aren't verbally castrating him.

1. Sexy Underwear For Men "Hey baby, dress up my dong as a gator," is something you will never hear any man say willingly who wasn't on a male escort payroll. It's bad enough that the men of the world got the short end of the ugly genitalia stick, but now you want us to put pig ears and a disguise on it? No thank you. At least a Fleshlight doesn't say no...

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.