Word to the wise: steer clear of Ahrenhoersterbaeumer family gatherings. Those hosted by the East Texas branch of the polysyllabic Germanic-American family might just turn violent, at least if last Thursday's events in a Longview trailer park are any indication.

Police there say they were called after 35-year-old Vernon Lee Ahrenhoersterbaeumer attacked both his father and brother with a skillet.

Once they had arrived on the scene, Ahrenhoersterbaeumer told the police that he had originally been fighting against his brother and 16-year-old nephew. He is alleged to have told police that he hit his brother in the back with the skillet and then placed him in a hammerlock choke hold, impeding his ability to breathe.

That was when big daddy Ahrenhoersterbaeumer entered the fray.

According to published reports, he attempted to pull the battling Ahrenhoersterbaeumer brothers apart, and evidently succeeded. Which is kind of amazing, because Vernon Lee Ahrenhoersterbaeumer's girth matches the freight-train length of his last name: Gregg County court records list him as packing 317 pounds on his 5-11 frame.

At any rate, once he stopped choking his brother, he is alleged to have simply picked up the skillet again, this time with daddy Ahrenhoersterbaeumer as his target.

Ahrenhoersterbaeumer has been convicted of at least three DWIs in the past. As of Monday evening he was still in the Gregg County Jail on bonds totaling $10,000. He faces two counts of aggravated assault/family violence with a skillet, which is being considered a deadly weapon right now.