Victoria's Secret? She Hates the Astros

Heidi Won't Touch The Astros
The Houston Astros are getting absolutely zero respect as the season prepares to open. The organization has been called one of the worst in baseball. The farm system is ranked 26th. The major league club is picked to be one of the worst in the game. The Forbes valuation of MLB clubs was released on Wednesday, and while the overall value of the Astros increased slightly, the team dropped in comparison with other clubs.

(Drayton must be real thrilled with those Forbes folks because their valuation of the team is nowhere near close to what he's trying to get in his bid to sell the club. Maybe Drayton now understands what it's like trying to sell a house in a depressed real estate market because no sane person or corporation is going to give him his asking price.)

But wait. It gets worse.

The team is seen as having a 0.1-percent chance of even making the playoffs. That's the same as the Pirates, and as an organization, you don't want to be compared to the Pirates. Attendance is in a downward spiral. Hell, none of the best-selling jerseys in baseball belong to an Astros player, though the small-market Twins have two players in the top 20.

The biggest indignity to visit the team comes from Victoria's Secret, which has a new line of MLB-styled clothing. But they're not including every team in the collection, and one of the teams they left out is our own Houston Astros. Yep, the Astros are one of only seven ball clubs to not get their own Victoria's Secret themed thong, which means the Astros once again are part of an illustrious group that includes the Pittsburgh Pirates.

So the Astros are good enough for Alyssa Milano's Touch collection, but Victoria's Secret doesn't want the Astros to get anywhere near their secret. This just seems like the ultimate diss for a franchise trying very hard to remain semi-relevant in the sporting world.

cubs victoria secret.jpg
The damn Cubs? Really?
This, more than anything, speaks to just how far the Astros have fallen. Five years ago, the Astros were still relevant. They were one season removed from the World Series. Craig Biggio was still hogging the spotlight at second. Andy Pettitte's reputation was unsullied and everyone wanted to see the Rocket on the mound. The Puma was healthy, Chris Burke was going to be a star and Roy Oswalt actually liked playing for the Astros.

But why would Victoria's Secret want to be associated with this team? This is a lumbering team with no glamorous names, declining attendance and absolutely zero buzz. The Astros may not yet have the same history of ineptitude as their division rivals the Pirates, but since the brain trust appears to be doing everything possible to make that happen, it's appropriate that they're treated like the Pirates by major commercial enterprises.

So if you were hoping to buy your significant other some Astros-themed undergarments from Victoria's Secret to celebrate opening day, you're out of luck. You can always buy her an Astros jersey, or a hat, or one of those Alyssa Milano things. But if you really had your heart set on that Astros thong, well, you will have to wait awhile. Like until the team becomes relevant again. And by the way things look, that doesn't appear to be anytime soon.

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John Royal is a native Houstonian who graduated from the University of Houston and South Texas College of Law. In his day job he is a complex litigation attorney. In his night job he writes about Houston sports for the Houston Press.
Contact: John Royal