Wade Phillips' Job Interview: Snickers, Crayons and Battlefighting

"HOUSTON (KTRK) -- Eyewitness Sports has learned that Wade Phillips will be hired as the Texans new defensive coordinator." -- Bob Allen on Twitter last night, 1/4/11

"Noooo!!! Wait!!! I talked to Wade Phillips second cousin once removed! He's just INTERVIEWING!! He has NOT accepted the job!!" -- Every other tweeting member of the Houston television and print media five minutes after Bob's report

One, two, three, four! I declare Twitter WAR!!

Reason number 316 that I love the Twitter style of social media and news reporting -- the immediate conveyance of scoops to the masses to which Twitter lends itself has created a whole second layer of news reporting, where the other 99 percent of the media that didn't get a story line up and start whacking away at the scoop they didn't get. (At least, that's how this appears to the layperson, which I am.)

Honestly, as Bob Allen broke the first story of, at the very least, Wade Phillips's involvement with the Texans (about as surprising as breaking a story about construction somewhere on I-10) and then Randy McIlvoy and John McClain making calls to Phillips's relatives to try and get clarification, my immediate question:

Has anyone checked on Fox's Mark Berman? I mean, isn't he usually sitting at the Wendy's in the Intercontinental Airport food court in a rubber nose and glasses waiting for sports figures to arrive in town? Is he being sequestered by terrorists? Did Matt Musil put out a hit on him? Where the hell is Mark Berman?!?

(Note: If there's one Houston media member for whom Twitter was tailor-made, it's Berman, whose streak of breaking Houston news stories currently stands at 4,613 consecutive stories broken, pending this Wade Phillips meet-and-greet at Reliant today. I actually sat next to Berman in the press box at the Texans-Colts game in Indianapolis in early November and spent over an hour trying to lobby him to get him on Twitter. His response back was that he's judged on hits to his Web site and he was worried Twitter would cannibalize that, when in fact, I told him, it would probably double his hits. I even said, "Watch this, I'll tweet my followers and I'll bet I get 50 in the next ten minutes saying you should join Twitter." I did just that, my followers obliged and Berman thought it was pretty cool. Aaaand, to my knowledge, that's where the Berman-to-Twitter acquisition stands...Berman thinks it's cool. All I asked was that when he sign up for Twitter that he let me break the story. Circle of life or something.)

Anyway, apparently there's a meeting that is being called an "interview" later today between Wade Phillips and the Texans brass which will likely culminate a hiring process that, if it were for a head coaching job, would urinate, defecate and vomit all over the Rooney Rule.

(ANOTHER NOTE: Am I the only one that has it around +300 on his personal big board that Phillips arrives to the meeting on time? Can't you see him getting some sort of newfangled keyless rental car and spending two hours trying to figure out how it works? Can't you see him driving around endlessly on the 610 loop? Am I the only one with a personal big board for shit like this? So many questions....)

In my mind's eye, I see the interview going something like this:

Kubiak: "Hey Wade, you shoulda been here like two hours ago. Where ya been?"

Phillips: "Ya know, da'gummit, this car I rented didn't have a place to put a key, so I been spending the last two hours takin' the keys I got and stickin' 'em in every hole in the car. Even stood outside the car wavin' my arms yellin', 'OPEN SAYS A ME'...nothin' worked."

Kubiak: "That's fine, Wade. You're a good kid. That's on me. I shoulda told you about keyless rental cars. You and I will go back and get that corrected."

Phillips: "Gary, I know that I'm Bum's son, but I'm not a kid anymore. I'm older 'n you..."

Kubiak: "Yeah, Wade, that's on me. I gotta just gotta go back and work hard, take a look at your bio and get that corrected."

Phillips: "Sooooo....got any donuts up in here?"

Kubiak: "Ya know what, Wade. No donuts today. And when I got up this morning, I had planned to get some donuts, but I got distracted driving by the Shipley's, heard a Clay Walker song and all of a sudden my game plan was out the window. I just gotta get better, get that fixed, that's on me."

Phillips: "So is Jerry comin' to the meeting?"

Kubiak: "Lewis?"

Phillips: "No, Jones. You said the owner might be here. He's the owner, right?"

Kubiak: "He owns the Cowboys, Wade. Um, that one's actually on you. Our owner is a kid named Bob McNair."

Phillips: "Oh, that's kinda weird. I thought Jerry owned all the teams. I mean, his stadium is really, really big! Good churros up there, too..."

Kubiak: "Yeah, I saw the stadium when I was breaking down film on the Cowboys trying to fix stuff. Nice place, that team battles, and they fight, not sure if they battlefight like our kids, but we have a great deal of respect for them."

Phillips: "Battlefight?"

Kubiak: "Yeah, that's on me, Wade. I shoulda told ya. Our team here, we're into two things -- first, we work hard. In fact, that's all I really know is just workin' hard. And B, we not only battle, we not only fight, we actually battlefight. It's like 'hard work's' little cousin. You'll need to add that word to your vernacular."

Phillips: (taking out a crayon and a Snickers bar from his pocket) "Hang on, I'm writin' this down so I have it in my....VASCULAR?"

Kubiak: "Vernacular. Good word. It's the 'battlefight' of words."

Phillips: (starts writing with the Snickers bar and munching on the crayon) "Battlefight....B..A...T..T..E...L....damn brown crayon don't work so good!"

Kubiak: "Wade, that's a candy bar, you're chewin' your writing utensil...that one's on me. I shoulda had the battlefight definition written out. I didn't put you in a position to succeed. I'll get that fixed."

Phillips: "You sure this thing is a crayon cuz it tastes delicious!" (Wade continues to scrawl words on paper -- spells it "BATTELLLFITEE" -- and promptly eats the Snickers with the crayon.)

Kubiak: "All right, Wade. You know what? I don't even need to see what your scheme is gonna be. If you're able to make adjustments on the fly like eating crayon and recover from that mistake by actually finishing the crayon? Well, you're ready to go battlefight. I think you're goin' to do a helluva job for us as the...defensive play callin' guy..."

Phillips: (with a gooey brownish crayon-Snickers mix dripping down his chin and a mouth full of brown teeth) "Do you guys have a cafeteria?"

Kubiak: "Well yeah...bunch of kids serving salisbury steak...yeah we do, Wade..."

Phillips: "All I can eat?"

Kubiak: "Of course."

Phillips, chin covered in the muddy candy-crayon concoction, walks around to the other side of the table and gives Kubiak a big bear hug. At this exact moment, Bob McNair, fresh off his weekly "We Love the Texans" conference call with the other 31 owners, pokes his head into the room to see his head coach and future defensive coordinator embracing.

McNair (whispering to himself, smiles and nods): "Yep, we're on the right track."

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon-3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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Sean Pendergast is a contributing freelance writer who covers Houston area sports daily in the News section, with periodic columns and features, as well. He also hosts afternoon drive on SportsRadio 610, as well as the post game show for the Houston Texans.
Contact: Sean Pendergast