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We Now Present... Steroids, The Musical

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To save Broadway, great minds have changed the way they think. Instead of creating musicals, with music written directly for the show, the great minds are lifting songs en masse from other sources and planting them in shows. For instance,

Mamma Mia!

is nothing but an excuse to sell more ABBA albums.

Movin’ Out

was an attempt to make Billy Joel relevant again. Pete Townshend turned


into a musical. Queen lives on

as a musical

. Even Mel Brooks’ great work

The Producers

relies largely on songs from the original movie.

I tell you all of this as way to lead in to my musical creation, Steroids: The Musical. Instead of taking songs from just one source, I’m taking songs from various pop/rock sources to serve as the musical component to the story. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.


Overture: Say It Ain’t So, Weezer.

SCENE ONE: In which young Jose Canseco is at the bed of his dying mother. His mother pleads with him to become the greatest baseball player of all time. Working out to ease the pain of his mother’s death, he discovers steroids from a fellow weightlifter.

Song: All My Life, Foo Fighters.

The drugs work wonders on his body. He bulks up. Home runs start to fly out of the park. He becomes the American League Rookie of the Year.

Song: The Pretender, Foo Fighters.

SCENE TWO: Canseco’s fellow players come to him, begging to know the secret to his success. Like Johnny Appleseed gone mental, Canseco preaches the joys of steroids throughout the American League.

Song: Fool on the Hill, The Beatles.

Mark McGwire, Ivan Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro, Jason Giambi, and various other players listen intently as Canseco spreads the gospel.

Song: Tempted, Squeeze.

SCENE THREE: Mark McGwire is traded to the National League. He and Sammy Sosa go after the single season home run record.

Song: Runnin’ Down a Dream, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers.

The nation goes wild. Commercials air about chicks digging the long ball. And Bud Selig talks about baseball being saved.

Song: Stupid Girl, Garbage.

Song: Xanadu, Olivia Newton-John.

SCENE FOUR: Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Mike Mussina, and Roger Clemens ponder, trying to figure out a way to stop the offensive onslaught:

Song: Ordinary Average Guy, Joe Walsh.

Jose Canseco holds a house party. His buddy Roger Clemens comes along. Canseco and Clemens huddle while their wives show off their boob jobs. Canseco convinces Clemens to juice.

Song: Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel.

SCENE FIVE: Roger Clemens goes on the juice and his numbers immediately improve. Meanwhile, Jose Canseco begins to find that no major league team wants to do business with him.

Song: Welcome to the Jungle, Guns N’ Roses.

Song: Long Road to Ruin, Foo Fighters.


Reprise: The Pretender / Long Road to Ruin.


Reprise: The Pretender.


SCENE ONE: A roided up Roger Clemens is now with the New York Yankees. He sends New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza to the hospital by hitting him in the head with a pitch.

Song: Synchronicity II, The Police.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds goes after the home record set by Mark McGwire.

Song: Seven Nation Army, The White Stripes.

SCENE TWO: Known steroid user and drug abuser Ken Caminiti dies of a drug overdose. People will for years mistakenly believe that he died because of steroids. Before he dies, Caminiti confesses his sins.

Song: Hurt, Johnny Cash.

Jose Canseco’s book, Juiced, is released, and his tales of spreading steroids throughout the majors, becomes a best seller.

Song: Everlong, Foo Fighters.

SCENE THREE: Federal agents bust up the BALCO labs in San Francisco. Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and Gary Sheffield are implicated by way of the raid.

Song: It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine), R.E.M.

The players and Major League Baseball are called before Congress. Canseco backs off some of his earlier statements. Congress berates baseball and expresses disappointment in their idols. Mark McGwire refuses to talk about the past while Rafael Palmeiro insists that Canseco is a liar. Sammy Sosa suddenly forgets how to speak English.

Song: Undone (The Sweater Song), Weezer.

SCENE FOUR: The George Mitchell-led investigation of steroids in baseball begins.

Song: Private Eyes, Hall and Oates.

The report is released and big name stars are revealed as steroid users. Andy Pettitte confesses to his sins. But Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds remain defiant, even in the face of criminal punishment.

Song: All Apologies, Nirvana.

Songs: Synchronicity II and Seven Nation Army alternate.

Major League Baseball casts out Bonds and Clemens.

Song: Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac.

SCENE FIVE: Jose Canseco releases Vindicated, his second book of steroid confessions.

Song: Best of You, Foo Fighters.

Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols lead a chorus of non-steroids players who are rejoicing about the end of the steroid days.

Song: Do The Evolution, Pearl Jam.


CONCLUSION: All of the main characters on stage.

Reprise: The Pretender.

-- John Royal

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