A couple weeks ago, I launched the maiden week of my new fighting league, the Fan Fighting League, dedicated to bringing you the best in pro sport fan fights from around the globe.
Week 1 gave us a quartet of Buffalo Bill fans taking on an entire section of New York Jet fans with very mixed results. Week 2 of the NFL season really didn't give us anything, so we will call that our bye week.
This brings us to our bout for Week 3, and we go from friction between two fan bases to a house divided. That's right, a little Redskin Fan on Redskin Fan, Sean Taylor jersey on Sean Taylor jersey violence!
Let's go to the footage, shall we?
All right, let's break this baby down...ZAPRUDER STYLE!
0:05 -- "You are looking live at the parking lot outside Fedex Field in our nation's capital, Washington, D.C." Tensions are probably very high as, after a season-opening win over the New Orleans Saints (which actually felt important before Carolina and Kansas City proved that practically anyone could beat the Saints), the Redskins just lost their second game in a row, 38-31 at the hands of the Cincinnati Bengals. The cameraman (more on him in a little bit) has sniffed out a fight that's about to go down.
0:15 -- You can actually breathe easy for a few seconds. Sadly, the cameraman's "sixth sense" to determine the impending first punch of a fight is paired with his very tiny set of balls, so he doesn't move in any closer, possibly out of fear of catching a stray punch. As a result, our vantage point is shaky at best. Still decipherable, but not as stellar as Fake John Cena's work on Week 1's Jets Fan-Bills Fan instant classic.
0:27 -- Some passers-by actually ask to tagged in this video on YouTube, which means they are either (a) kind of stupid or (b) don't have a job where showing up on YouTube videos that become evidence in a court of law matters. I'd definitely say (c) all of the above.
0:31 -- And BOOM! There's the first punch! As best I can tell, here are the players involved in this week's FFL Fight of the Week, and they appear to be broken off in two distinctive tag team units:
-- Sean Taylor #21 White Jersey and Brian Orakpo #98 White Jersey: Taylor's strengths appear to be that of a striker, while Orakpo's strength appears to be his spot on impersonation of a speed bag. Their collective strength is they are wearing the same color uniform so they actually feel like a real WWE tag team, in a way. -- Sean Taylor #21 Red Jersey and Random Fat Ass In White T-shirt: Taylor Red appears to be more of a grappler, a veritable catch-as-catch-can specialist. RFA is more ground and pound.
-- Screaming Bitch: The wet blanket who tries to ruin all the fun by constantly reminding the participants that they're "GONNA GO TO JAIL!!!", kind of a shrieking, more hyper version of Gretchen Mol's Rounders character.
-- Chris Cooley #47 Jersey: Very effeminate interloper into the fray, wearing a Cooley jersey. Come to think of it, this may actually be the real Chris Cooley.
0:33 -- Fake Orakpo jumps in and immediately corrals Random Fat Ass In White T-Shirt after the latter got in the first shot at Fake Taylor White Jersey. The two of them waddle towards the camera in some sort of sick intertwined body hold, which is a bizarre combination of a three-legged race, the Kama Sutra, and UFC 152.
0:35 -- In comes Fake Taylor Red Jersey to even things up!! He peels Fake Orakpo off of RFA! Unfortunately, in grabbing Fake Orakpo and trying to twist him to the ground, he drags both fighters to the pavement and himself for good measure. This opens the door for....
0:37 -- ...a barrage of punches from Fake Taylor White Jersey. Mother of God, the only thing missing is the crowd counting off the punches one by one, like when a babyface wrestler slams the face of a heel wrestler into the turnbuckle over and over again.
0:44 -- Fake Taylor Red Jersey is impervious to the pain! Somehow he manages to make it to his feet. It would have been awesome if FTRJ had hulked up like 1987 Hulk Hogan here. The crowd is going crazy, and by "crowd" I mean Screaming Bitch, who can't stop wailing and asking "Scott" (not sure which idiot is "Scott") if he "wants to go to jail." Pretty sure the answer is no, Screaming Bitch.
0:47 -- At this point, it's a little strange, on many levels, to watch two white guys in opposite colored Sean Taylor jerseys hammering away on each other. At this point, the only thing I can compare it to is Summerslam 1994, when the real Undertaker took on Ted Dibiase's fake Undertaker:
Exact. Same. Thing. Right down to Screaming Bitch playing the role of Paul Bearer.
0:51 -- The move of the match! The side suplex by Fake Taylor Red Jersey of Fake Taylor White Jersey onto the hood of what appears to be maybe a Dodge Charger, setting off the car alarm momentarily and sending both FFL superstars to the pavement. 0:55 -- Meanwhile, Fake Orakpo and Random Fat Ass are completely embarrassing themselves. Neither guy can get in a punch and both wind up collapsing to the pavement in one big blubberific heap.
1:03 -- We get our first appearance of Fake Chris Cooley, who strolls into our field of vision and inexplicably tries to separate Fake Orakpo and RFA, and does so with all of the gusto and energy of a sedated mental patient.
1:10 -- At this point, one thing is becoming apparent -- what we thought was a car alarm is probably someone actually in one of the cars that has human beings raining upon it. The horn is not really having the desired effect.
1:16 -- Cameraman revealed! He leaves the action to put himself in the picture, which is a huge FFL no-no. Bonus points for cursing, however.
1:24 -- As the footage ends, we are left with Fake Cooley dragging RFA away and Fake Orakpo about to go in for more clubberin'. Sadly, and with no warning (other than the ticking clock at the bottom of the embedded YouTube video player), the footage ends.
I hate when this happens! We don't know how it ended! This won't stop us from grading the bout, though:
POSITIVES: Tag team bout with distinct sides is a unique touch...FTRJ's German suplex on FTWJ was WWE pay per view-worthy...the "fist on skin" slap of FTWJ's haymakers on FTRJ.
NEGATIVES: That shrill, eardrum bursting cry of Screaming Bitch...the cameraman's keeping his distance from the fray....the cameraman's shameless self-promotion during the match's climax...the footage ending just as Fake Cooley was injected into the mix, also the fault of the cameraman...so basically the big negative was the production value.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
RATING: **1/2 TWO AND A HALF stars (out of five)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.