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Keep Houston Press Free
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Welcome Back from Iraq. How's That Boner?

Never mind the mentally ill soldiers enjoying their second and third tours in the sandbox, the astute doctors at the DeBakey VA Medical Center are tackling the most malignant crisis veterans have to deal with: whether they want to talk to a boy doctor or a girl doctor about their inability to get it up.

Yes, thanks to a grant from something called the Consortium for the Study of Erectile Function (which is a great icebreaker at parties… “So, Tom, what do you do?”) surveyed 1,087 vets to see if they had a gender preference when it came to doctors.

The survey included specific questions about erectile dysfunction, and three years of research revealed perhaps the biggest breakthrough in medicine since the discovery of the polio vaccine: “Approximately 57 percent expressed no provider gender preference, regardless of history of ED. Of those who had a preference, approximately 75 percent preferred male providers.”

Curiously, there was nothing in the press release about the class-action suit Iraq War veterans filed against the VA, or the fact that the agency reportedly has a disability payment backlog between 400,000 and 600,000 patients. But at least while they wait for the payments to take care of that pesky PTSD and Agent Orange-related leukemia, the vets can rest assured that the VA has their best interests in mind. And by “best interests,” we mean “boners.” -- Craig Malisow

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