Apparently, the folks in California have done lost it. There is a ballot initiative being circulated that would divide the Golden State up into six separate states, increasing the United States to 55 states in the process. The proponent of this plan is some venture capitalist who really just wants to make Silicon Valley its own state so he can, ostensibly, make even more money than he already does. Nice plan, weirdo.
Besides, you can't try to pull a crazy stunt like this. Texas cornered the market, packaged and sold that kind of crazy LONG ago. We're the state whose governor actually suggested secession from America was a viable option. Our first flag was a canon with the words "Come and Take It" on it. You can't out crazy us, California, but nice try.
So, before you start trying to make us look sane and rational, we've come up with our own plan to divide Texas into five separate states, a plan that we thought up before you were even a state, California. Take that, Hollyweird.
Capital: San Angelo Largest City: Lubbock Tourist Destination: Fredricksburg/Kerville Official Language: Cowboy Demographics: Cattle Ranchers, Folk Singers, Wine Makers Chief Exports: Cows, Beer, Guns GDP Rank: 3
If you like wide open expanses of flat, dusty land mostly run by ranchers and cowboys and bombarded with severe weather in the spring, this is your spot, partner. There are some fancy schmancy wineries down near the southern border for you lily-livered bed and breakfast types, but this here is cattle country, boy, so buck up and strap yer boots on, and have a sip and stroll along the boulevard in Fredericksburg. Since it has the longest stretch of border with the state to the south, don't be surprised if they build a big wall and man it with Tea Party activists.
NEW New Mexico
Capital: Laredo Largest City: San Antonio Tourist Destination: South Padre Island Official Language: Spanglish Demographics: Snow Birds, Beach Bums, Latin Musicians Chief Exports: Margaritas, Shark Tooth Necklaces, Migrant Workers GDP Rank: 5
Buenos días, muchacho and welcome to NEW New Mexico. This is one of the most interesting and diverse states to join the U.S. in quite some time. Not only does it share a massive border with Mexico, but it has San Antonio, the Tex Mex capital of the south within its borders along with the beautiful Gulf waters from Corpus Christi to South Padre Island. Sure, there is some extreme poverty and most of the place looks like the Sahara Desert only more brown and filled with rattlesnakes, but you can't beat the food or the ocean views. And their borders are open...to tourists and college kids, so enjoy amigo! South Oklahoma
Capital: Waco Largest City: Dallas Tourist Destination: Lake Texoma Official Language: Jerry Jones-ish Demographics: Rich White People, Born Again Christians, Plastic Surgeons Chief Exports: Breast Implants, Seminary Students, Dr Pepper GDP: 2
There is an old joke that goes:
Q. Why doesn't Texas slide into the Gulf of Mexico? A. Because Oklahoma sucks.
We couldn't think of a more appropriate addition to our northern neighbors than the swatch of land from the Red River south through Dallas and Waco. The Interstate 35 corridor is as lovely as it is a creamy off-white color. Plus, if you need to get your boobs done, this is your new home. We imagine plenty of former parts of Texas will try to worm their way into Fort Worth only to be rebuffed by the concrete walls of giant football stadiums keeping everyone safe inside because, in South Oklahoma, its every God-given child's right to have a publicly funded sports stadium in his neighborhood complete with the biggest flat screen known to man...and a crumbling foundation.
Capital: Austin Largest City: Austin Tourist Destination: Austin Official Language: Hipster Demographics: College Students, Hippies, Guitar Players Chief Exports: Music, Barbecue, Politicians GDP: 4
Hey, brah, it's Weirdistan, a mix of young white hipsters, middle aged white burnout hippies and old white politicians. Sure, it has some of the best music in the state and barbecue to join it, but this virtual island state also stinks of patchouli and corruption. Plus, the state sport is hacky sack. Of course, weed is legal here too and the vast majority of folks (men and women) walk the streets topless, but it's a little too in love with itself for its own good. And while it is open to all comers, you won't be allowed to smoke or eat meat unless it is locally sourced and organically fed. So, prepare yourself, unless you are from California and then feel free to migrate like you have been for the last decade.
Capital: Huntsville Largest City: Houston Tourist Destination: Galveston Official Language: Drawl Demographics: Rednecks, Oil Tycoons, People Stuck in Traffic Chief Exports: Petrochemicals, Pollution, Urban Sprawl GDP: 1
Finally, we come to it, the place this publication calls home. Lest you think we would only sing our own praises while bemoaning the rest of the rabble in the rest of our now divided states, fear not. We decided long ago we weren't all that great and we're totally fine with that. It's mostly flat. The Gulf waters are filled with silt from the Mississippi River. Our pollution rivals most third world countries. But, it's cool. The one thing we could not do, was include Vidor in our state, so we agreed to cede them to Louisiana along with 10 percent of our mineral rights -- like sending Jeremy Lin to the Lakers and having to give them a first round draft pick just to take him off our hands. Not only were we freed of that town and its sad reputation that it never quite gets over, we got a truckload of boudin to boot! Plus, we've got NASA, the energy industry and a giant statue of Sam Houston. Top that, South Oklahoma!
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